Relazioni e amore

[25F][26M] Feeling weirdly resentful of my boyfriend’s attraction to me.

Ladyughsalot1 ci racconta la sua esperienza:

I have been with my boyfriend Tom for two years now.

Now I’m not saying by any means that I’m a supermodel, but I have had comments from people that I’m fairly attractive. My dating history has consisted of men who I met on dating apps whom I was very, very attracted to but consistently ended up messing me around, “not wanting anything serious” etc etc. I’ve never really had a serious relationship because of this, just drawn out situationships where I hung onto men that didn’t treat me well.

Tom was very different from the start. I wasn’t particularly initially attracted to him, just thought he was fairly cute, but he was such a lonely guy who treated me really well. He was very, very vocal about his attraction to me from day 1. He was turned on on our first date, told me how nervous I made him and how I was very out of his league, constantly showered me in compliments about my appearance. Initially I found it quite desperate and unattractive but over time flattering to have a man that was so into me.

The lack of initial mad attraction to him, which had been my only real basis for dating men in the past, diminished into a non issue. He was caring, considerate and we got on better than anyone I’ve ever gotten on with. I was attracted to him just not to the level he was, we had a lot of chemistry in the bedroom and continued to fuck like rabbits and still do.

So it’s never been an issue for a long time, in fact I found it quite nice having someone so attracted to me. However, recently I’ve almost started to resent the fact that he has something I don’t. He is absolutely all over me, constantly aroused at little things and while it may be over the top, I just don’t get that same desire back and I almost feel like I’m missing out.

Also, he’s gotten comfortable in our relationship. He used to be very much in shape and a real gym bunny and his body was incredible. Since we started dating I think that fell to the wayside and he’s just not put any thought into his appearance. I wouldn’t say it’s a turn off per se but I’m almost feeling resentful of the fact that I don’t get to sleep with the hunky guy his exes did and he doesn’t really seem to care about that. He’s constantly pointing out how he’s put on weight and doesn’t really take care of himself as much but doesn’t really do much about it. I feel awful for thinking that and it’s not like I’m hitting the weights every day but it does feel like something I wish he’d wanted to continue. I haven’t stopped and thought, wow I’m less attracted to him now or anything but it’s just a little in the back of my mind, this odd jealousy of his past.

If I’m honest I don’t know where this feeling has come from. It’s been building over months. I don’t know what exactly it is I’m resentful over, it’s almost as if I’m jealous that he’s so attracted to me and I don’t have that. As if I’m somehow missing out. Our sex life is still great and we have sex daily but it’s not as much as it was, multiple times a day. I almost feel like it’s lacking the passion and insane sexual chemistry that I’ve maybe had in the past if only briefly. But perhaps this is a normal part of a long term relationship, when that spark is gone? I’m not sure what to think and worry about feeling like this.

tldr Boyfriend has always been incredibly attracted to me, constantly vocal about it. I am attracted to him but not to that level. Recently I’ve started feeling weirdly resentful of this and wishing I could feel the same, which isn’t nice at all.

The way this post is worded, I didn’t get the impression that you are in love with this man. Maybe you should clear that with yourself first because if you don’t love him, the future will be hard for both of you if you stay together. All I gathered was that you don’t love him as a person, but the way he treats you, and that’s not really enough for a longterm relationship. It’s normal to get bored along the way and start disliking some of it, but I really didn’t get the impression that you are even in love with this guy, so I wouldn’t really recommend to be in a serious relationship with someone you don’t love, and don’t even like and gets on your nerves quite frequently.

They only time I’ve ever felt resentful of an SO’s attraction to me was when I no longer had any feelings for them and wanted to leave the relationship. Often they were the warning sign to that conscious realization.

Someone treating you well and being attracted to you is the bare-minimum entry-level requirements for being in a relationship with them. It is not, by itself, a reason to settle down with that person forever. There has to be more than that- you have to have affection, shared interests, and respect, as well as being attracted to them in return.

You dated some shitbags and that wasn’t great. Compared to people who treated you badly, someone who is kind and thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread is always going to seem really appealing at first. But that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship long term. It’s not fair to either of you to stay with someone who you are growing to resent.

It sounds like you could probably use some individual therapy to work on your self-esteem and identity- not being able to distinguish between the way someone feels about you and the way you feel about them, as you mentioned in a comment, is a big problem, and it will lead you into many relationships with people who are crazy about you but whose feelings you don’t ultimately return, which just sucks for everyone involved.

It’s good that you took a step away from the dysfunction of dating people who were actually bad to you, but that doesn’t mean that the first person you date who is a decent human being is going to be a good forever match for you, and it’s okay to want more from a partnership than “he seems really into me.”

It’s really hard to make a call on this, since the way you describe your dating history indicates you are not used to long term relationships. There is some normality to things simmering down a bit, people sometimes talk about ‘New Relationship Energy’, that does Due down and things do become less exciting. That’s where couples start to work more to appreciate each other. I don’t know how long you’ve been dating, but it very likely plays a role here.

Resentment can also occur, especially if you feel you are putting in more work to keep in shape, dress up, or stay attractive.i think this is pretty common among women because there is less pressure on men to see themselves that way. Do you hold your own appearance to a high standard? I think I’ve personally felt some resentment that my partner just doesn’t worry about his appearance at all. Whereas I have a nagging feeling, reinforced by society that I need to be visually appealing otherwise I am doing my partner some kind of disservice.

It’s something you will need to work out, if your boyfriend is visibly less in shape than he used to be, that’s a normal thing that might excite you less, and you might want to very gently talk to him about it.

Based on the start of this post I think its worth considering if this is a manifestation of low self esteem. Your previous relationship with men may have built up an identity in your mind about how you should be treated and who your “type” of man is. This can be very confusing because its an invalidation of your identity and feelings about yourself which feels bad and you’re getting a bunch of positive feelings from your partner giving you positive messages. It is easy misidentify the source of negative feelings. This is just one option that I think you should explore.