Sgt. Squatter (Non-Ruckle Story)

I was typing up the next tale in the Ruckle Saga (Fight Club) and was reminded of a Sergeant who worked in the armory. I though while you waited for tomorrows Ruckle story, you might get a chuckle out of this one. The details come from a friend of mine who worked in the armory. I knew this Sergeant, but wasn't present for these events.

There was a Sergeant that we will call Squatter who worked in the armory. Sgt. Squatter was a dumpy kind of soldier who barely passed physical standards. He is what you might call a Sick-call Ranger. He always seemed to have a PT waiver. So this NCO works nights in the armory and anyone who has worked in the armory knows that you are not supposed to leave it unattended at any time.

So Sgt. Squatter is working, but his partner for the evening was sent home sick early in the evening. Instead of getting a replacement, Sgt. Squatter says that he can cover it for the rest of the night. Now Sgt. Squatter is a rule follower, with the exception of the rules on physical fitness, and he does not want to leave the armory unattended. So as the night goes into early morning apparently he really had to take a dump.

So far, he had been peeing into an empty Gatorade bottle, but now he had a real problem. So instead of calling for relief, he decides to improvise. He squatted over the trash can and did his business right there in the armory. It was a smaller office sized trash can and I have no idea what he used for toilet paper nor do I want to. He then takes the bag out of the garbage can, double bags it, and leaves it by the armory door so he can take it to the garbage at the end of his shift.

Fast forward a few hours. The next shift shows up to relieve him and they are let into the armory. My friend was one of them. He said that the entire place reeked of s. According to him, his eyes were watering and it took everything in him not to vomit right then and there. When asked what the smell was, Sgt. Squatter pointed to the sfilled bag sitting on the floor and told them what happened. My friend looks at the bag and says that that's disgusting. Sgt. Squatter then looks at my friend and says “I double bagged it.” and leaves to dispose of the s.

It took two days to get the smell out of the place completely.

Fast forward six months. Sgt. Squatter is being transferred to South Korea. The guys in the armory always have a little going away party for each other when one of them leaves. They give a little party and a plaque. Sgt. Squatter went up to my friend, who was in charge of ordering the plaque, and gave him some “guidance”.

Sgt. Squatter wanted a Kabar mounted on the plaque (he's USA not USMC) and had a special inscription written up and a quote from the Bible (not sure which one). My friend explains that it will cost more than is budgeted for the plaque to do this. Sgt. Squatter must really want something special so he hands over $80 to help offset the cost.

My friend checked with the other armorers and they agreed to give him what he wanted. When they presented him the plaque, according to my friend, he acted surprised.

I hope you enjoyed the non-Ruckle story. I will have a Ruckle tale posted hopefully tomorrow afternoon or evening.