So i am a 22f living independently.
Before i get into it I just want to give a bit of backstory.
I was adopted as a baby by my adoptive parents and raised believing that my bio dad abandoned me when he found out my bio mom was pregnant and that my bio mom gave me up because she was too young for a baby.
I had a hard childhood as my parents never wanted to discuss my adoption and would get very uncomfortable if I brought it up and sometimes very angry and start shouting if I talked about finding out more about my biological family and would always say things like “aren't we enough” “they abandoned you and we raised you”. My adoptive dad also struggled with anger issues and would yell at me a lot so we have a strained relationship but he tries to stay close. My adoptive mom is always calling me and wanting to stay in my life as well. They are nice but can be angry and guilt trip me a lot into doing what they want.
Now when I was 18 I decided I wanted to find out more about my biological family and I searched for them using some documents I found plus the help of my aunt. I did find my biological dad which confused me as they said that he abandoned me and didn't want anything to do with me. I told my parents and they screamed at me and scared me so much and told me that my bio mom put whatever name she could think of on my birth certificate and that he did abandon me and that i was horrible for doing this behind their backs and that they should be enough. They made me promise to never reach out and that he wasn't my bio dad.
I did what they said and didn't contact him as i believed them. Well, when i was 20 i decided to look him up again and found his Facebook and saw that he posted birthday posts on my birthday wishing his daughter a happy birthday and a few other posts about birth parents. This felt like enough information plus his pictures that it was him and I reached out.
He was overjoyed and very excited and emotional to talk. After texting back and forth with him skirting questions about the adoption we decided to meet in person as he didnt live that far away. When we met up it was very emotional and we talked for houra.
He eventually told me that he wasn't told he had a child and that he found out that he did after the adoption. He petitioned for a paternity test and it was positive but they didn't give him custody as i was 13 months old at this point. He was heart broken and tried to set up visitation but my adoptive parents denied him and that was that.
I felt so betrayed and disgusted with my adoptive parents and feel like they kept me from my bio dad. I don't know how to move past this.
I also found out who my bio mom is but she passed away a few years ago due to suicide. My bio dad said that she was forced into the adoption by her parents and that she would've loved to meet me. I've been so upset and heart broken ever since finding all this out.
I decided to confront my parents with this information and they at first denied it and told me he just wanted money (he never asked and all he wants is a relationship) but eventually my mom broke and said that they raised me first and that they wanted a baby for so long afetr dealing with infertility and that they didn't want to lose me. They also aren't supportive of the relationship with my bio dad.
I am unsure now how to move forward.
Ive met my bio dad's wife and their 2 kids 13m and 10m, who have embraced me into their family and are both lovely people.
My adoptive parents are constantly calling and leaving either rude messages or guilting me and making me feel bad for doing this. I don't know what to do. I can't get over all these feelings of being taken and kidnapped and denied a relationship with my bio dad.
My extended adoptive family have reached out to me to call me names and tell me what a horrible person i am as well.
>Ive met my bio dad’s wife and their 2 kids 13m and 10m, who have embraced me into their family and are both lovely people.
>My adoptive parents are constantly calling and leaving either rude messages or guilting me and making me feel bad for doing this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over all these feelings of being taken and kidnapped and denied a relationship with my bio dad.
>My extended adoptive family have reached out to me to call me names and tell me what a horrible person i am as well.
This is why writing down your feelings is great, because you can look back on what you honestly think. Now, which of those 2 groups of people sound like “family” to you?
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is determine what you want and move forward because you owe nothing to either of these people. Do what makes you happy.
You should NEVER feel guilty about cutting contact with your abusiv.. I mean adoptive parents. They don’t get to guilt trip you about all they did raising you after they STOLE you from your Dad. If you’re feeling generous and potentially see a future with them, I would write a letter or text so you can calmly state your feelings about the situation as well as explain to them that their attempts to lash out at you are founded purely on their guilt for what they did to you, and it is only going to force the wedge further between the 3 of you.
You should speak to a counselor who specializes in adoption. There are many feelings that unless you’ve been adopted (or dealt with it a lot) that you just can’t understand. Your adoptive parents are really shitty for trying to deny you a relationship with your dad. He clearly wanted you to be in his life and they thwarted that. They’re also really shitty for lying to you for decades just because they wanted a child. You have every right to seek your birth parents out. They should fully support you in having both adoptive and biological relationships.
Your adoptive family sounds super abusive. I would suggest getting some counselling so that you can gather your thoughts and emotions.
If your adoptive parents loved you, then they wouldn’t have a problem with you seeing and getting to know your bio Father. They are still your mom and dad (the ones who raised you), and that won’t change just because you have meet your Father. If they can’t understand that then that is their problem.
My guess is that they feel guilty for depriving you from being with him, so this is how they are acting. Any mention of him is a reminder of how they acted when you were little.
I know this sounds heartless, but if you want to pursue a relationship with your father, you have that right. It sounds like he wants that, and if your mom and dad can’t get on board with that, then it’s time to leave them behind.
Do what feels right to you… Don’t let others dictate. Love is about supporting and caring, not dictating and guilt tripping. Best of luck to you.
I am so sorry all this happened to you and to your father. Explore the relationship with him without a shred of guilt, no matter what your AP say. I wish you both all the best.
Then when you’re ready you can dive into how to handle issues with your adoptive parents. That should definitely involve some kind of therapy.