Here's my dilemma, do I postpone my wedding and give us a shot to work this out or do I run for the hills? I'm wondering if I'm completely missing his perspective on all of this…
My fiancé (40M) and I (30F) have been together for 9-ish years. A year or two through our relationship we spent some apart as I felt he had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker (both realtors). We ended up getting back together, but he continued to sleep with her during the first few months of us trying to work things out. We did work things out, the infidelity isn't as big of an issue for me as it is for other people. I quickly felt trust with him again and things were great, the issue of the affair has rarely come up since we talked through our resolution years ago.
6-ish years later we got engaged.
Almost a year after that, his mistress died. Excuse my cold tone with this but to me she is not a good person and I will never see her in that light (I found out she had a fetish for taken men and she played a big role in the end of 4 other's marriages). My Fiancé went to the funeral and spoke (at her parent's request) despite my expressing how hurtful and disrespectful that was in my eyes.
In the months following her death he has participated in fundraising held in honor of this woman. I have continued express how hurtful and disrespectful I find his involvement in all of this. I'm capable of (and have) moving on and forgiving him for the original affair, but when he keeps doing things that bring it to the forefront of our relationship I can't help but to feel hurt by it. There is a messy history after all. I feel like I have sacrificed so much, sat back and been the one to bend and compromise on everything surrounding her and these situations and I can't see anything that he's compromised on when it comes to it. All I see is an inappropriate and disrespectful emotional connection to his dead mistress.
There was a small fundraising dinner in her honor the other night and this is where things really hit the fan. I again expressed my feelings on the situation, especially since he didn't tell me until an hour before he was going to leave to attend. He said I need to get over the affair and stop holding it over his head and I need to figure my stuff out. He wishes I could see his perspective because I wouldn't be upset if I stepped back and saw his side of things (yet, he couldn't articulate his perspective). He also said he was sick of my meritless threats after I said if he is going to continue to have an inappropriate emotional connection with his dead mistress, and bring it to the forefront of our lives together, that I couldn't live the rest of my life like that. He said he has the right to honor a “good friend” and that she always had his back even after he “chose me”.
This has really caught me off guard the past year. I thought there was no connection to her anymore. I also thought I had a partner that would care enough about my feelings to be willing to change some of their actions. I know I would feel awful if he came to me and said that something I was doing was hurtful to him and he found it disrespectful – I'm getting none of that from him.
>He also said he was sick of my meritless threats after I said if he is going to continue to have an inappropriate emotional connection with his dead mistress, and bring it to the forefront of our lives together, that I couldn’t live the rest of my life like that.
You heard the man: stop bluffing and divorce him. This is some of the most disrespectful shit I’ve ever heard in my life, and you have repeatedly communicated that to him very clearly. In response he told you he doesn’t give a shit and that he doesn’t think you have the backbone to leave him. Prove his ass wrong.
He cares more about honoring her memory than your reasonable feelings. I’m guessing if you look back on how he emotionally and otherwise supports and cares for you, you will find that he always puts himself first and does very little for you. That’s not the person you want to build a life with.
I also think any trust you have in him remaining faithful to you is misplaced.
Don’t marry him. Just break up.
He’s selfish. He wants you to see his perspective but wants you to get over what is a major situation in your life.
‘Nothing good for you in the future with him. He might even cheat again when or if he ever gets over his mistress. Prioritize yourself he’s not.
wow. maybe you should’ve been more hurt by the affair. your fiancé sucks. he didn’t respect you when he cheated, and he doesn’t now. he didn’t tell you until an hour before he was going to a fundraising dinner for her? and she’s a serial home wrecker? that’s the woman your fiancé loves. even when she’s dead she’s wrecking your home.
your fiancé sucks. you deserve better
He SPOKE AT HER FUNERAL? Girl.
Why are you with this man at all? He will cheat when he finds his next mistress, he does not respect you at all
I think once you get to the point where a man mocks you for not following through on leaving him, it’s kinda just done. Like what on earth do you do with that?
I have a certain amount of sympathy for a human being whose friend (however loaded that word is, in this situation) has died. Of course it’s wrenching. He’s allowed to be sad. But in this specific situation, the phrase “having it both ways” really does spring to mind… If you’re too sexually incontinent to be faithful to a reconciling partner, at least have the good grace to grieve privately and not rub that partner’s nose in your love for your mistress. So her parents asked him to speak – are they socially clueless as well? He could have said no, he could have quietly ordered some lovely flowers, there are any number of ways he could have contributed to her funeral without hurting you like this.
Talk about main character syndrome. Let him go.
What the fuck are you doing