Relazioni e amore

[Update] Boyfriend (FtM) came out as transgender, I (F) don’t know how up proceed help

lizard-garbage ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

Link to original post ( and TL;DR at bottom. I am so sorry if I didn't post this correctly or if this is too soon. Let me know and I will correct it.

I waited until we could talk in person (he saw the original post which is why I didn't respond). I am posting this knowing he'll see this. I wanted opinions and viewpoints and you all were amazing, all of it. Thank you everyone for giving me feedback and things to think about.

Within 12 hours this made the front page, he saw it and left a voicemail (he never calls) which consisted of him feeling hurt and betrayed since I didn't talk to him first. That's fair. But I told him in text I didn't want to out him to friends and coworkers because I didn't know who knew but I wanted help because I felt lied to. I wanted to wait to talk in person on his first day off to minimize the amount of mental stress. I am paraphrasing the main points of concern from you all. We ended up talking for a good portion of the day and it started with him apologizing to me for waiting this long to be honest (thank you MassimoL).

The first question I had was why he decided to be dishonest for so long. I was completely honest with him before we made it official. I was looking for a life partner and there were only two things that really mattered to me. First sexual intimacy as a couple. I was 100% willing to take it slow because to me this was an investment into a permanent relationship. Side note as a suggestion from some, I watch/read up on more non traditional relationships in the past couple days to the point I'm burnt out on it but I wanted to see if something would work for me and no I'm really only attracted to the male anatomy. It's just who I am.

 The second and bigger point was bio children. We had this conversation before becoming monogamous and he also agreed he wanted bio children. Found out he knew he couldn't give this to me and delayed the inevitable. It started with him being nervous about being honest (the first month), to seeing if this relationship would actually survive (about month 3) to hiding it because he knew I would end it. He asked that if he had he been honest or even said to me that he was infertile (not even telling me he was transgender) would I have ended it? I said yes. He knew it was a deal breaker for me.

I appreciated his honesty with answers, but I felt used. Apparently, the more he got to know me the more he fell in love and realized I was the dream he wanted. Quote him “my dream was his dream”. Found out he stopped taking his anxiety meds about 3 months into this because I was there to give him strength? (he was able to try for and get a better position at work while we were dating but I don't know if it was because of me). I pointed out that maybe he just needed the right push.

Apparently he was aware of my hints for sex. I didn't hint until the 5-6 month mark and never touched him where he already told me he was uncomfortable. Aka accidentally bump hips with him in the kitchen. I saw him freeze and apologize immediately. 

 I still have feelings for him. But it's done. That was a huge lie that I couldn't get over. But I made it CLEAR that the lie was the reason this relationship was over. And because of what I now know I told him that I would be here if he needed someone to talk to. I still don't know if I am the only one here that knows but I don't want him to feel alone. From what I have read l coming out came be hard and isolating.

Now to address other topics.

He did mention bottom surgery. He never considered it until me (aka he was content with himself as is, which is fine!). Apparently he had made and attended his first appointment during our relationship. Even asked if I would stay if he got it. I shot that down because I want him to do major life changes for himself, NOT for someone else.

As for the trauma I decided not to ask. I already decided to end the relationship and figured it was no longer my business.

Final note (and with his permission because I still respect him as a person): his height which a couple of you were hung up on. He is/was always sensitive about it. And while not giving it away we are the same height and I'm a shy taller than 5 ft. I asked about it and he apparently feels that it's his give away (hence why he kept bringing it up the first 2 months). Didn't bother me but I like short guys (don't want to climb a mountain to give a kiss). Personal preference.

Thank you everyone for your experiences, personal opinions and comments. I really needed this outside stranger view point. 

As for me I think I might invest in a cat (apartment allows one small critter). Easier on the emotional part of a relationship. 

TL,DR; I broke it off because he lied to me and didn't feel like I could trust him anymore.

Just want to say I love your comment about not wanting to climb a tree to get a kiss ? I’m 5’2 and even someone 6’ is pushing it in terms of height difference.

Thats a crazy story. I think you are doing the right thing. My initial thought was that investing in a relationship without sex is bold (and somewhat reckless) for a sexual person. You need to respect yourself and your needs from the start. That would be a huge red flag for me. In my opinion he was dishonest and manipulative. It may have come from fear of rejection or insecurity but it is was still wrong and wasted your time and emotion. Good luck out there! Be a little more direct about your needs next time.

This was a HUGE lie on his part. And as much as I am ALWAYS the one lambasting men who lie (and women) this one really makes it hard to roast him. Being born into the wrong body is traumatizing to say the least. He must have been agonizing over it before and during his time with you.

You are handling this with all the empathy and compassion one could hope for, even in your grief. Kudos to you for being a kind, understanding human being even in the face of losing your relationship.

I hope you both end up happy.

Sad to hear it end like this but it was the only outcome that would of worked.

As a few people have said, any relationship that has it’s foundations built on a lie, is doomed to not stand for long on it’s own. That it was a lie built on such a fundamental wish of yours – to have your own children – just meant that no matter what he said or did, it was always going to be a hill just too high.

Good to hear that you are going to help and support him as a friend and hopefully he is able to move on with his life, and find someone who accepts him for who he is. They are out there and I’m sure if he refrains from setting up false expectations that he’ll find it.

You are right though, it was never about his original sex, it was always going to be about the lie.

Good luck to you both.

Good for you!