Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/ghmdzn/i_20f_think_my_dad_50m_is_cheating_on_my_mom_46f/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Long story short, my parents told my siblings and I that they were fighting, and that everything will be okay between them so we don't need to worry. I had figured out a few says earlier what it was about but my siblings don't know.
My mom kind of confirmed to me that my dad was cheating and I wish I never knew what happened. I wish I could just think that they're fighting, and nothing more. I'm angry at my dad for making my mother so depressed that she had to go on medication that I used to take when I couldn't get out of bed. Seeing those boxes of pills in her bathroom was unbearable for me. I always thought of my dad as a someone who'd never do that. On top of that, my mom told me that “these kind of things happen in a marriage” and that I should not be mad at him at all.
I feel like my feelings are not meant to be since my mom forgave him, but it is hard for me.
Sorry if this post is a mess .
TL,DR: dad cheated on mom, mom forgave him and told me to let go of my anger towards him, but I can't.
This is exactly the same as what’s happening in my family. My dad has cheated multiple times and my mum just doesn’t care anymore. A lot of my friend’s family’s have this dynamic too. It’s really heartbreaking and I find that it’s given me trust issues too as I don’t know any men over 50 who haven’t cheated on their wives. Stay strong OP. My mum gave me one good bit of advice after it all happened and that was to always make sure you are financially independent of your husband so if you’re strong enough to leave, you can. Too many women stick with shitty husbands at that age because they can’t afford to leave and would struggle to find another partner to help support them.
I would suggest talking to your dad but it really depends on what sort of person he is and you know your family better than the internet does. It’s heartbreaking to go through something like this but just remember it’s not your fault. You have a right to be angry and give him hell for it. Just hope that he listens.
You’re allowed to me mad at your dad regardless of how your mum feels
I’m the eldest (27F) in my family. And I’ve had to stand by to witness both emotional and physical abuse throughout my mums marriages with cheating being a big factor also. Shes onto her third and whilst he was perfect match at the beginning he’s now picking fights with everyone and its exhausting. I can fully relate because my mum would confide in me a little and then step back and my younger siblings had no clue. She would forgive them and i would be left with this anger at them for everything they have put her through.
OP your anger is justified and valid. Cheating in a marriage isn’t just cheating on the person you are married to but also the whole family. Your mum is trying to be the bigger person and keep her family intact. Your siblings whilst not being little children are young. She doesn’t want this to affect them negatively. Whilst taking the steps she thinks are best for her family she doesn’t realise that this will have impacted you as much as it really has.
I suggest you and your mum get some private time ( i understand that will be difficult given the current circumstances) normally i would suggest a coffee shop but maybe a walk or a separate room early morning or late at night and talk to her about your feelings. Telling her you understand why she did it but you can’t be as forgiving that you are angry at him and heartbroken at what he has done to the family and to her. Trust me I’ve bottled the feelings up and dealt with far more than i should have and it has broken me and taken alot to get to a point where i can open up to my mum and really talk about these things, over time i got so angry and frustrated at how forgiving she can be and have the patience of a saint and it made me angry at everyone.
It would probably be a good idea to also have a conversation with both of them especially if you have had a good relationship with your dad (something i didn’t have which is why my advice is more centred towards your mum) and also ensure you have a good support base, people you can talk to and maybe get therapy to work through your feelings and emotions. The worst thing you can do is bottle it up, the feelings won’t go away and will build up over time.
My accounts not very active and i treat it as a throwaway of sorts but my DM’s are always open if you wanna talk it out or rant 🙂
Well at least your mom failed to teach you to be a doormat for selfish men. Your anger is justified and your father’s cheating doesn’t solely affect your mom. You’re allowed to have your own feelings about it he didn’t just betray her he betrayed the entire family.
You don’t have to forgive him any sooner than you’re ready to. You’re feelings are valid and you can set boundaries.
Just bear in mind that if she told you in confidence (and she wasn’t supposed) to that he’ll wonder why.