So I've been with this guy for a few months, he's my first one (I'm not his first). He is sweet and I really like him with all his flaws. He has bigger sex drive than me but I'm okay with it. He told me what he likes it rough and that he likes anal. But he's been very soft with me since I'm still figuring out what I like and we didn't do anal yet and I told him before I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.
Few times he tried to finger me while I was sleepy, either trying to fall asleep or waking up. I wasn't fully asleep yet and fully aware of him getting in the bed, touching me etc, so I told him to get the condom and continue.
But last night I went to sleep early, fell asleep right away and maybe 2 hours later I was woken up to my asshole being fingered. I was pretending to be asleep to see what he would do. He fingered me for a while and then I heard him open the condom and he was trying to put it in my ass. That's when I thought “That's enough” and turned around a told him “What the fuck are you doing?”. He was super disappointed with the fact he woke me up like “Damn.” I asked him one more time and he was like “I couldn't wake you up.” He stopped, and went to sleep. I was super tired so I fell asleep as well.
In the morning I woke up and it dawned on me. I felt violated and I got depressed so I just wanted to leave his place and be alone. But the sound of me opening the door woke him up and he was shocked why I'm leaving so early. I only told him “Think about it” and left. He was probably too sleepy to realize. Anyway I calmed down a bit and maybe an hour later I got a text saying “If it's because of the last night aren't you overreacting a bit?”
And it got me thinking again. My mental health is not 100%. I'm awkward, have anxiety and I know I'm overthinking things. I used to have depressions fairly often, but since I met him it got much better. But I still have feelings nobody likes me and only want to use me. I had many people betray me before so I kinda have trust issues. I didn't talk to him about my depressions yet since it got better lately and it's the topic I didn't want to talk about out of fear he would leave me. So It got me thinking, am I overreacting? Should I talk to him instead of leaving? What do I tell him? On the other hand, I never told him I want to be fucked in my sleep and he didn't seem apologetic about it. I really don't know what to think and I wish I had someone to talk to about it…
Sexual assault is still assault, even if you’re in a relationship. You deserve to feel safe when you fall asleep in someone’s arms. As much as you care for him, I encourage you to leave because you deserve better.
him saying that you’re overreacting is a huge red flag. you didn’t give him consent to get sexual with you, and him trying to have sex with you while you’re sleeping is not okay at all. you don’t deserve that. if i were you i would seriously consider leaving him.
He tried to anally rape you while you were unconscious and then make you second guess yourself when confronted. Is this really a person you want to be with? Will you ever feel safe sleeping next to him again? I know I wouldn’t.
let’s break this down:
- you’ve never tried anal.
- you’ve told him in the past you’re not ready to try anal.
- you’ve never given consent to consensual “non-consent” play (sleep sex).
regardless, he:
- tried to initiate sex without verbal or non-verbal consent from you.
- tried to initiate sex when you couldn’t provide verbal or non-verbal consent.
- tried to perform a sex act you are inexperienced and uncomfortable with while you were incapacitated.
tl;dr: you’re not crazy, and he’s trying to gaslight you. your initial reaction was totally appropriate and you should embrace those emotions. you should run from him like the roaring dumpster fire he is before you get burned by trash.
Tell him “you tried to rape me last night. I’m breaking up with you and telling everyone.”
Then break up with him. I’m sure he’ll try to sweet talk his way out of it, but he knew what he was doing. Rape is rape. He knew you weren’t awake and couldn’t consent. He doesn’t care about how you feel or what’s ok with you. He only cares about getting off and using your body as his personal masterbatoru aid.