I'm(F23) black and my boyfriend, who we'll call Julian, is Hispanic. We've been together for a little over 2 years. So there's my boyfriend's cousins, we'll call them Carmen(blood cousin) and Lu. They're together and we usually have fun whenever they invite us over their place. But I've never been a fan of Lu.
Occasionally, Lu will say ngga this or ngga that, and its always made me uncomfortable. I'll tell him to cut that mess out, and I'm usually met with a “oh shit my bad”. But lately, I had been telling him it's not okay and being met with excuses or reasons why in that moment for whatever 'context', that it was okay. This has obviously annoyed me, but what happens next shook me to my core.
About 3 weeks ago we were at a small cook out at Julian's(M24) parent's house. Julian was at the grill, and I was sitting out on the patio at a table with Carmen(F30), Lu(M32), Carmen's younger sister(F20) who we'll call Sandra who fortunately gets me, and Julian's parents who are not too fond of English but definitely get by. I'm sitting there on my phone waiting for food and was verbally molly whopped by a drunk Lu across the table who said the following: “yo my dog is like a fuckin nier, he loves fried chicken and watermelon and weed. He's on that nier shit. insert obnoxious laugh as no one laughs with him I know you get what I'm saying, huh, Sandra?” (because sandra has predominantly dated black men in the past and her current boyfriend is black). He just kept running with the nier jokes!! My head was spinning!
When I tell y'all that my head snapped the whole hell up…I was absolutely taken aback. Sandra immediately said “hey Lu stop that, that's not cool” and he shrugged her off and got up, went to Julian at the grill and started conversing. I looked around the table, expecting more reactions aside from Sandra's comment. His woman, Carmen was chilling, and his parents(who I give a pass to because they weren't following along with his conversation as it was in English) were in their own side conversation. I weighed my options then and there and realized that not only was I outnumbered, but going toe to toe about this with a drunk man that has a history of acting like a baby wasn't going to end how I wanted it to.
Julian went inside to grab food a few minutes later and that was when I followed him and told him about what happened. Come to find out, when Lu went to Julian at the grill, he was saying the exact same shit he said at the table, hoping for a positive reaction!! Julian started apologizing and telling me how he tried to correct and educate Lu at the grill and that made him very upset and caused him to storm off, which I did see they parted. I peeked outside and lo and behold, Lu was in the very back of the backyard, alone, drinking and visibly upset.
This reaction was exactly what I was anticipating if I had said something, and probably worse because I wouldn't have been nearly as kind in my educating him. Not even 15 minutes later, Carmen is collecting her angry, drunk Lu and their kid and they went home. They left Sandra behind because she still wanted to enjoy the festivities. The rest of Julian's family were confused so he let them in on what happened and they were on my side immediately. Sandra started talking about how these types of things are common in Lu and Carmen's household and it honestly didn't surprise me. I was so, so very upset.
The next day was WORSE. Carmen came over for mother's day, and I thought I'd be the bigger person and while my boyfriend and his brother were wishing her a happy mother's day, I decided to do the same, and she completely brushed me off. My boyfriend saw this and kind of gave me a “yikes” face. This, obviously, is when my attitude started. Right before she left, she confronted Julian and I, saying that she doesn't need to be stressed about this considering she was pregnant. Julian and I tried correcting her all throughout this pointless conversation. She started saying stupid things like “I'm not trying to make it a he said/didn't say she said/didn't say thing” yet proceeded to tell me that she didn't hear him say that at the table but maybe I did because my “ears may be trained for that”…
I tried telling her that her sister was there and heard it and reacted to it, and Carmen fought me on that by saying “I'm not about to go around asking who said what.” So then you'll never get the truth?? Wtf???? THEN she was saying that she felt like I was stirring the pot by telling Julian about what Lu said rather than confronting Lu then and there, telling me “You're a big girl, you should be able to speak up if you're offended.” Julian had texted Lu that night telling him he needs to apologize to me, to which Lu responded with “why?”, and Julian texting Lu about it was stirring the pot to her…If I wanted to stir the damn pot, I would have said something after they left because they wouldn't be able to defend themselves. Instead, I went to Julian minutes after, seeking a sit down where Lu and I have a final 'heart to stupid heart'. But that didn't happen because Lu got pissy that Julian and I were upset at his horrific remarks.
I kept telling her that I was not about to go down that road with a drunk man that always gives me excuses and apologies for any amount of these transgressions towards me. She basically said it wasn't my place to go to Julian because they're family…which in my head was the exact reason why I SHOULD have went to Julian. That's his family, not mine. I shouldn't have to educate a grown ass man, CONTINUOUSLY, on how not to be disrespectful.
Her ending notes were that I need thicker skin and each time it happens moving forward, let Lu know how I feel. But I'm not doing that. I'm not about to educate your man baby every time. It's idiotic. I personally didnt care to hear what Carmen had to say because my beef is with Lu, and my view is linear. After having to repeat my solid and sound counterarguments 3 times, I just let her talk. She wasn't trying to hear me, so I damn sure was not about to hear her. Her unintelligent take aside, what finally angered me was when I asked her how Lu felt(because I never cared about her feelings towards the matter as her argument was baseless and she's just 3rd partying the issue), she replied with “I don't know.” A bold face lie. We all know as soon as they got in the car to leave, it was a conversation. It was a conversation when they got to the house too. You live with that man, don't sit up here and tell me you don't know how the fuck he feels when y'all obviously had a talk about it. Just say your man's a pussy that can't be held accountable for anything. The only reasons why I didn't bust her shit then and there was because she was pregnant and I also didn't want to have a terribly different image in the family.
The following week there was another gathering, Julian's little brother's birthday, which I wanted to be there for him so I went. Lu avoided me, Carmen barely talked to me but tried to play friendly. Later in the night, I went inside to grab water and I saw Lu on the couch and Julian standing by the couch watching a UFC fight and sharing some light conversation and light laughter. That honestly pissed me off. It makes it seem like everything is okay and now I'm sure Lu thinks this is all swept under the rug because Julian doesn't have the same energy about it that I have, because I surely wouldn't be laughing and conversing with the person who offended my S/O of another race…
I'm in need of advice because if I have kids with Julian, I'll be damned if my mixed children have to be around Lu and Carmen at family functions(bc that will happen) knowing how much of a racist and racist apologists they are. I'm so turned off from his family gatherings now. Julian said we should keep our distance from them, but they're his family, I have a feeling that won't last forever, it can't. Carmen will have a baby shower soon and I know Julian will go and be buddy buddy with the two of them. He was apologetic about the whole thing, yet my feelings still feel invalidated and I'm worried about the future here because things have now changed forever. I'll never forgive them for what happened and how they handled it. They're around and about all the time with family gatherings, and I'll hate being in their presence. I also feel like I can't talk to Julian about it anymore because it's been 3 weeks and it may feel like beating a dead horse. I'm still so hurt though…this is my first interracial relationship and it's left such a bad taste in my mouth. I love him and want to be with him, though….please, thoughts? Experiences? Anything, please..
EDIT: Sorry for any weird formatting, I'm on mobile.