So I(24M) have a great female friend (21F). Our entire relationship is based on the fact that we clicked really well with each other and rarely do with other people. Somewhere along the way I caught feelings, we “explored” things a bit, it didn't go anywhere despite a mutual confession of interest. We live an hour apart which had a lot to do with it. I'm willing to make the drive, she wants someone who can be there with no notice. Sucks, but is what it is.
Fast forward to now, she's started seeing someone but doesn't want things to change between us. Problem is, it kinda has to. I need to move on, and our “hangouts” would be considered at the very least emotional cheating if not physical by anyone with half a brain. She insists we're just friends, but I'm very confident that she doesn't cuddle or spend time one on one with her other guy friends, and the sexual tension is unreal. From her SO's POV, if I saw the way she acts when we're alone I'd drop her like a hot potato.
So I need to figure out the best way to tell her things have to stop in the least offensive way possible. For my sake from the “I don't want to watch you date someone else” and “I refuse to be the other guy or emotional support while you sleep with another guy” perspective, for her BF's in the sense that he deserves to not be involved in a love triangle, and from hers that she should pick a side. I don't want to just cut contact with no explanation, and I don't want to burn a bridge on something that could work in the future, but I'll be damned if I know how to say “Hey, we can't be close friends anymore” without coming across as an asshole.
Supposed to see her Saturday. Gotta figure out how to put my foot down gently by then. Advice is welcomed.
It’s good you’ve decided to set boundaries. It wouldn’t be fair to her new boyfriend if you and her continued to be affectionate to that point when you are alone. Anything you wouldn’t want your gf to do with another guy, you shouldn’t do with your friend while she’s in a relationship. Tell her those reasons. Ask her how she would feel if her bf and his female friend had a friendship like yours. That should help her understand your POV. I don’t think she understands boundaries if she believes you two are “just friends”. Platonic friends don’t cuddle or have sexual tension. Her new bf wouldn’t be comfortable with your friendship if he finds out the history of it. He might even back out of the relationship
Thanks for the input so far. Guess at this point I need to decide where I’m comfortable drawing the line. Problem is that it’s a lot more selfish than I think the original post implies. Sure, I don’t want to cause issues with their relationship, and yes, I value her friendship very highly, but there’s a big component of “I don’t want to watch you date someone else” going on and the temptation is there to say “fuck it” and roll with it. At the end of the day as much as I have valid, borderline honorable rationales for drawing a line, the majority of my motivation is to avoid getting hurt any more than I already am by the whole situation.
Saturday’s gonna be a blast. She thinks she invited me to watch a sunset. I think I’m ending a friendship for fairly selfish reasons masked by selfless ones. What could possibly go wrong?
I think you have to the tools to deal with it you already know you’re just an emotional pillar for her. The things is sexual and romantic tension are a bitch aren’t they? What I’d say is you can’t be gentle with her or she’ll probably just keep walking over you. You have to put a very clear line in sand and if she crosses it that’s it your friendship is over. Really to me this is very generous to her. She’s lucky to still have you as a friend. Best of luck to you cheers.
I think you explained it really well right here. It sounds totally reasonable and really mature so kudos to you for not enabling emotional cheating. Honestly if you can turn this post into a letter to her, it wouldn’t be bad.
This part especially is perfect and I would focus on this:
>I need to move on, and our “hangouts” would be considered at the very least emotional cheating if not physical by anyone with half a brain. She insists we’re just friends, but I’m very confident that she doesn’t cuddle or spend time one on one with her other guy friends, and the sexual tension is unreal. From her SO’s POV, if I saw the way she acts when we’re alone I’d drop her like a hot potato.
I’d tread carefully to not make it seem like you’re holding your friendship hostage to get her to change her mind. Maybe avoid saying things like “if we were dating, this would be ok” or “if you’re no longer in a relationship, we can pick this back up.” Make sure she understands your feeling of friendship is the same, and that you just want to change behavior out of respect for her and her boyfriend.
Kudos to you. You’re a stand-up guy.