Relazioni e amore

I’m (22F) obsessed with my boyfriend (21M) and I need help

Zygomaticus ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

We’ve been together almost a year now and half of that has been long distance. We haven’t seen each other for two months now because of covid but seeing each other next week finally and we will no longer be long distance anymore wooo!

The problem is, he’s all I can’t think about. I’m constantly checking his social media to see if he’s been online, if he’s posted, who he’s following. I check his Spotify to see what songs he’s been listening to and if they’re any of the songs that remind him of me. I’m quite insecure and if he hasn’t texted me for a few hours I feel down and sad, but when he does text I feel happy. I feel like I’ve put him on this pedestal and I can’t get him off.

Luckily, he’s not aware of this obsession, I think if he was it would definitely push him away. I come across as calm and collected to him. He knows I’m insecure sometimes and is very loving and helpful when I am. He tells me he loves me all the time and he hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him.

I’ve never been like this with anyone before, in all previous relationships I’ve almost not cared enough. I was always the laid back one and didn’t rely on anyone for my happiness but this is different. And it’s not just a honeymoon stage it’s just how I am.

I know it’s not healthy and I just need some help. How do I stop and have a more healthy relationship with him inside my head? He’s the first person I’ve ever really loved and I am scared I’ll lose that one day. I’m scared of getting hurt as he’s the first person I’ve let in, I guess.

Thank you.

When I’ve been in similar thought cycles, I find the best way to break the habit is to keep my mind busy on other things. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to constantly check up on him and obsess over his social media history for the day.

Your instincts are correct; if he finds out you’re constantly thinking about him in this way it can be a turnoff. It is perfectly ok, and actually a good thing that you genuinely care about him and think about him often. But don’t give yourself the opportunity to go overboard with it.

Plus you can hit two birds with one stone. If you’re keeping yourself busy with other things, you’ll have even more to talk to him about when you do talk. Ambition is an attractive quality for most people, so if you do/make something and show/tell him about it at the end of the day, it should help keep him interested!

Best of luck to you 🙂

Hang out with friends, pick up a new hobby, or keep up a hobby you already have. I used to be in a relationship like that (ended for different reasons) and finding things that I genuinely enjoyed that took my mind off it really helped.

I’ve been there before. My anxiety makes it so that I fixate on things, and my partner can often be the subject of my fixation.

Being long distance definitely can and does intensify this, so try to go easy on yourself! But my best advice is to start a journal, so you can vent these feelings. I would also schedule 1-2 hours of absolute screen free time. Phone on airplane mode, computer off. Do something else. This makes it impossible to obsess over his online habits, and will give you a break, and can also help retrain your brain.

Lastly, is it possible that there is some need that is going unmet? I notice that I can tend to obsess more when my partner is distant or isn’t fulfilling some of my needs at the moment. Try to communicate with him and express that you miss him and it’s putting you into overdrive a bit.

This sounds a lot like a codependent relationship, which I’ve experienced before and it was horrible. I think the main thing to do is, like other commenters said, try to pick up hobbies and do things that you enjoy. However, try to do these things with yourself in mind, and not just for the sole purpose of being distracted from your boyfriend. You come first, and you have to learn to love yourself enough to be comfortable with it without his attention!

I really don’t know how to type this comment without sounding like an asshole, but heregoes…

I’ve been on both sides of this. When I was the one obsessed over, it was a turnoff for me, but moreso than that it put me under a lot of pressure. I felt like I was under a lot of pressure to stay with this person, and that eventually came to a head in a messy breakup (lots of screaming, not from me). When I was on your side of things, I was really clingy and my happiness depended on this other person, and that’s not a good way to live either.

I’ll echo others here and say that you just need to take more time for yourself and do more things for yourself. I know that at first taking time for yourself can feel bad (and even selfish) but if your partner is really the right person for you, they’ll be totally cool with it.

You seem to have good instincts and self-awareness, so it’s my guess that you love this person so much for good reason. I’d encourage you to work on taking your own time doing cool stuff apart from your partner and being your own person! You got this, we’re all behind you.