Relazioni e amore

My (28F) bf (33M) boyfriend is ignoring me on our anniversary vacation

kevin_k ci racconta la sua esperienza:

I’m going to keep this short.

We went up to the mountains together because we couldn’t do anything for my birthday or our 4 year anniversary. I finally finished a few grad classes while working full time and I was very ready for a break.

He bought the Airbnb and we had planned to hike and hangout together on this trip. He’s an ultra runner and spends every second running, and I’m not exaggerating. Every morning and every day after work he runs. He barely spends any time with me, and it really sucks. He got into running 1.5 years ago, and has been non stop ever since. He’s currently training for a 100 mile marathon… I support him but every single trip and weekend revolves around his running and it sucks for me. The last few trips we’ve gone on have been for marathons. I am the Sherpa that meets him at aid stations to give him fresh socks or snacks.

I have tried to talk to him about this and he explodes, has even resorted to calling me selfish and a brat for ‘whining’ that we don’t spend much quality time together anymore.

Today I had a few things I really wanted to do. He woke up and ran in the morning, got home at 11am, and then spent 2 more hours eating and recovering from his FIRST run of the day. We went for a hike that he chose, because he got back too late to do the one I had been talking about for a month. Later, we planned to do a small hike at sunset, and he was very late because he needed to get 7 more miles in and decided to run to the trailhead. We missed the sunset.

I was pissed and I made that known. I want to do stuff together not alone! I can either do what I want alone or do what he wants and waste my vacation.

We’re arguing now and he told me my attitude disgusts him and that this is his vacation, too and he should do what he wants.

Every vacation and every weekend revolves around his running. I do not run, I actually hate running and always have. I love backpacking and hiking though, and if I suggest a trail, he’ll complain it’s not long enough or literally leave me in the dust to run ahead. I’m deeply sick of this. I do a lot of stuff alone lately. I had more conversation with the guy at the grocery store today than I did with my partner.

How do I do this? I am sitting here seriously questioning our relationship. Please help.

TLDR; my boyfriend is an ultra runner and spends every weekend and vacation running, and it sucks for me. He doesn’t understand why I would prefer to do things together since we don’t see one another during the week.

If you bring these issues up with him and he doesn’t make a single effort to meet you halfway, that is 100% a reflection of who he is as a person.

If he even goes as far as saying it “disgusts” him and puts you down, it shows his true nature.

Don’t even waste time being mad at him because his actions are showing you exactly who he is. At this point it’s such a waste of energy.

And good. You should be questioning the relationship. If he isn’t willing to meet you halfway on something as simple as this, what makes you think it’s going to be any better in the future. Think about deep finances, values, marriage, children etc. If he can’t meet you halfway on a hike he can’t meet you halfway on any big life events that a partner should be meeting someone halfway for.

At this point, since you’re still on vacation, I would suggest the following: Do what you want to do. He does his thing without giving a damn about you anyway and what it does is causing you to not do anything you want. So, to get at least something out of the vacation, let him run. If he’s too late, leave on the hikes you wanna do on your own. Not sure where you live, but at least here in Germany, you often meet nice other people hiking on the way or at the stations to chat with. A vacation as a couple is obviously ruled out from his side anyway, so do what you wanna do and at least get some enjoyment out of it instead of just being frustrated.

See if he complains. If he does, tell him it’s ‘your vacation, too, and I should do what I want”. Is it immature to throw his words back into his face? Yeah, but it’s also the truth that this is the only way to actually enjoy yourself right now at least a bit. And if he doesn’t want to join, then too bad.

If he is just glad you shut up and let him do his running, then you already know where his priorities lie. It’s him who is selfish, not you. Remember that, but also remember that these problems always need someone who does the selfish things and someone who lets it happen to them. Don’t let it happen anymore. He does them because he gets away with it. He was late, you couldn’t go on your hike, so you went with him on his hike. He got both things he wanted – running and his hike – there were no ceonsequences. Why should he stop? Because he cares? Well, he obviously doesn’t, so don’t expect him to change.

You’re stuck with him right now, so make the best out of the situation: Try to enjoy the vacation and also try to see how you really stand with him and if, after you’re back home, it’s not time to dump him.

Break up with him. He does not care about you or the relationship, and he has made that clear to you many, many times.

If he can’t understand that a relationship means that sometimes he needs to do things that YOU want to do with YOU, he sounds like he is too immature for a relationship. When he’s single he can run as much as he wants, guilt free.

So you tell him that it’s your vacation too and you should be able to do some of what you want, and he tells you that is a “disgusting attitude” because it’s his vacation too and he should be able to do everything he wants.

Read that over. Just….read that over OP. If you ask for half, it’s “disgusting” because he wants it all.

This guy doesn’t respect you or your time.