My dad had this. “wait till your dad gets home”, dad would be the one to shout at us for the worst things we did. Mum would be there for the tears or the treats.
Couple that with my mum being a stay at home mum and my dad working 5.5 days a week – it has had a massive inpact on our relationship.
I’m in my mid 30’s now and it’s only now that i feel we’re back on track again.
Don’t miss out on all those years
First of all, I hope you explained to your daughter that your decision was made out of concern. That you want her and the whole family safe. Kids sometimes understand those things in the moment, but they often understand those things afterwards.
My partner’s parents divorced. His mom did most of the work of raising him. His dad sometimes took him out to fun places and did cool things with him. In adulthood, he started to really think about this. He still cares about his mom and they have a good relationship, but he hasn’t been in contact with his dad for the past couple of decades. Your wife isn’t as extreme, but her plan could seriously backfire.
Anyhow, you should talk to her about this. Ask her if she’s really okay with endangering your family? And if she isn’t, ask her why she lied to your child. Discuss how you think decisions should be made from now on. You two might need couple’s counseling to work through this though.
>I am planning on confronting my wife
Good!
>but don’t know what to say.
Pretty much what you’ve told us here. The format that I prefer is: “When you do (blank), it makes me feel (blank)”. You can use specific examples like the one in your first paragraph. You can explain how you feel like this has been a trend across several other interactions. You can tell her how you worry about what kind of message that it sends to your kids about parenting and gender roles. You can tell her about the dream you had, and how you worry that it may become a reality if you continue having this parenting dynamic.
These are all valid feelings and perspectives, and it’s important for people in a relationship to address their feelings with each other.
After telling her this, listen to her perspective. Prompt to her to share what she feels. Is there a reason that she prefers things this way? Does she feel afraid of saying no? Does she really not want to let go of her kids appreciating her saying “yes”? Does she feel like this setup makes things easier? These are only guesses, by the way – I can’t know what your wife’s reasons are. The only way to know is to talk to her and find out from her.
From there, with both of your feelings laid out on the matter, you can discuss, negotiate, and work out a solution that resolves the feelings that you both have.
Best wishes, OP.
Its important to have a united front. If my husband were to dish out a punishment, I would stand behind him 100 percent. When the kids are in bed I might tell him he was a bit harsh, but to the kid’s faces we are always going to support each other’s decisions and back them up.
Painting you as the bad guy, and herself as the “cool” mom is really messed up. It’s kind of sick that she would even consider sacrificing the kids liking you so that she could be well liked.
You are partners in marriage and as parents. There shouldn’t be a “bad” guy and a “good” guy. You are a team.
I think you just need to say everything you have just said here. I doubt your wife means it maliciously, but it could be she’s just fallen into a bad habit in a way. Clearly she doesn’t realise that you care or are affected by it so much. You just have to tell her. What happens after that depends on her response, but being honestly and completely open is essential and really all you can do.