My daughter and her husband had a child a genetic condition that causes mental retardation. They were excited to have a baby, but didn’t have any idea that anything was wrong with their son for several months after he was born, when he wasn’t meeting any milestones or advancing past newborn stage. At almost 1 year old, they had genetic testing done and it was confirmed that he would have permanent delays and really limited amount to make progress in his life. My son and law disappeared overnight. He packed his stuff, he left. We have had no idea where he is. It’s been 6 months and my daughter doesn’t think he’s coming back.
She has been leaving the boy with me and leaving for up to a couple days at a time. She has outright said that she doesn’t want him, that he is the biggest mistake of her life. She says she feels cheated out of the opportunity to be a mother, and didn’t agree to sign up for a lifetime of caregiving for a vegetable. She’s said her son is nothing more to her than a leech on her happiness and her money, referring to the thousands of dollars she spends on physical therapist and other things to try to make him better. She says she feels no bond with him. She says she doesn’t want to be a single mother. She really does seem very miserable.
She already leaves the boy with me and disappears for up to a couple days at a time. His daycare is open from 7am-7pm but has a rule about not leaving kids for more than 9hrs. I found out that she lied to them saying that she is struggling financially as a single mother and needs to work more to be able to keep their home, so that they will let her leave him for 12hr days. She does this every day. Sometimes the daycare even calls me at 7 because she hasn't come to get him and I need to go get him.
I am worried that she’s going to run off and leave the boy with me when this COVID stuff is over and her lease is up. I’m 70 and there’s no way that I can raise this baby. I feel bad for my grandson that his mother doesn’t want him, but I also don’t blame my daughter. It kind of seems like we’re all just playing hot potato with this baby. I don’t want him to suffer or have to go into foster care or those awful ratty nursing homes they stick the mentally handicapped in.
How can I help convince my daughter to want to take this baby back?
If you’re not prepared to raise him yourself full time, he needs to go into foster care.
He’s being neglected. He deserves someone who is prepared to love him full time and give him the parental attention he deserves.
His disabilities make him more vulnerable to the adverse affects of being bounced around all the time.
Your choices are:
A) Resigning yourself to being his full time, permanent carer
Or
B) Contacting CPS and having him adopted.
I think you need to snap into the reality of the situation that your daughter resents that baby and there just isn’t a lot you can do. That takes professional help and years and years of progress that she needs to not only be willing to do but want to connect with her kid .
I hope someone can give you more options but I dont see many
Call cps on your daughter to get the baby taken.
Give it up for adoption.
Raise the baby with help and bite the bullet at 70 years old and raise it.
This is a tough decision but its time to face the reality that your daughter is just looking for a way out of raising that baby and its for the best. She outright despises it and who knows if she’ll warm up to the idea of trying to be its mother.
Call CPS, a baby needs someone that loves him. Your daughter is obviously nor able to, and you cant raise a baby anymore.
You can’t force someone to be a loving parent. You’re best bet is to take custody yourself if you’re willing to do the work. If not turn it over to cps. Cps can work grandparents rights in, even with adoptions many times.
I don’t have a solution for you but just some thoughts and my sympathy for your very difficult situation.
Your daughter is living my nightmare. I have a genetics degree and know that genetic conditions can be horrific.
I think your daughter is in mourning for her relationship and the life she thought she would have. It is possible that she will get through this. Don’t give up on her. Don’t stop trying to get her to bond. She will hate herself forever if she carries on like this. She might be blaming herself for this and at the same time blaming her baby for losing her ex.
Have you educated yourself on the condition he has? Do you know what his potential is or isn’t? These severe genetic disorders usually mean completely rethinking and recalibrating expectations. Something like learning to roll over could be a huge achievement for this baby. Something to be celebrated. Instead of focusing on what he can’t do the focus needs to be on what can he do. What is the goal of the physical therapist? What is the next step in achieving that goal? Once you engage with him on that level it can start to change the way you think about him. Something as small as a flick of an eye movement in response to a stimuli can be communication. By stimuli I mean a sound or movement or touch.
Unfortunately having physical therapy and other therapy is not enough unless his primary care givers continue with the activities throughout everyday life. If daycare is his primary care right now that means they need to be targeting the same things the therapists are. In some ways your daughter does not get to be a normal mom now at all. She needs to be his case manager to make sure everyone is doing their best to help him.
With disabled children the difference between where they start out and what their full potential can be massive. (Or sometimes it isn’t and there really is nothing to be done but you won’t know unless you try). If he gets treated like a vegetable he will never ever be more than that. You and your daughter need to try otherwise you will never know.
I feel that if you change the way you interact with him. Change your approach you maybe able to help your daughter see beyond his condition. Both of you should go with to the therapist (he should have more than just physical therapy? Occupational therapy? Speech therapy?) and have them give you homework exercises.
Having small achievable activities might empower both of you and help with feeling that the situation is hopeless.
Your daughter sounds like a driven high achieving individual. You can help her by looking at this awful situation in a new light. I really feel that she is most probably wrecked with guilt. You need to help her see the positives she is already achieving. Her ability to financially provide for him is already a huge thing she is doing. So many special needs kids don’t have that. It can mean the world. Secondly the fact that she needs time away from him is also okay. Full time work and full time care of a special needs kid is exhausting.
I know you say you can’t take him but think for yourself what can you do. What are you willing to give. Then sit your daughter down and tell her. Tell her she is strong and she has achieved so much. This may all seem impossible but she can do this and you are there to help. As I said you need to decide what you are willing to give but I suggest volunteering to take hime every Saturday and picking him up from daycare 3 afternoons a week. Spend time together with all 3 of you.
Human being have massive potential. You and her are capable of so much more than you can imagine!