Relazioni e amore

My[29f] husband[28m] was raped by his boss and is convinced it was his fault and that he “cheated” on me. He won’t go to therapy

Beneficial-Broccoli ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

So I don’t want to get too deep into nitty gritty details about the whole thing that he went through, but just before quarantine my husband was raped multiple times by his boss. He didn’t tell me for about a month but I could tell something was wrong, he claimed he was fine.

He then told me, but framed it like it was his fault. He then apologized to me for cheating on me and said we should probably just get a divorce. I tried to assure him that it wasn’t his fault but he won’t listen. He’s been a complete wreck this last month and I can’t get him to see a therapist. He just says it was his fault and he doesn’t need one. He’s said that he couldn’t have been raped because he’s a man, which I know is bullshit but he believes.

I really hate seeing him like this, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried telling him myself it’s not his fault, I’ve tried getting him to see someone. I can’t tell anyone we know about it. What can I do for him here?

Start with couple’s therapy and phrase it in a way as “you” needing it.

> He’s said that he couldn’t have been raped because he’s a man, which I know is bullshit but he believes.

There are plenty of resources and support groups online for male rape victims. It might help him if you pointed these out to him.

In my opinion tou should never press the victim to react in anyway you think is appropriate. They have to gain back control. You can state that if he wants to go to therapy you’ll be supportive but that’s it. But also, I feel that you may have a problem with the situation (insisting it’s a rape when your husband tells you it’s not, pressuring him to react the way YOU deem appropriate) and may want to go to therapy yourself, on your own.

Gently urge your husband to get therapy, also he needs to report it. Is the boss male or female?
If female is this why he’s reluctant to seek help for fear of not being believed?
Support him the best way you can but also therapy will help him cope and deal with it.

I don’t know what to say, some other comments pointed to potential solutions, so I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. Denying your own rape or minimising it is sadly a common thing to do for rape victims. Blaming yourself too. That “man can’t be raped” mentality is just highly wrong… I hope your husband can come to terms with what happened even if it’s really hard to face it when you’ve been through sexual abuse. Good luck with everything

Just be there for your husband. Tell him you’re not mad at him and you love him. Be supportive. Maybe try couples therapy (frame it as if it is for you). You can also reach out to people who help male rape victims and ask them for advice. This will be hard and I hope you can get through this.