Relazioni e amore

why did my (f29) ex (m29) make the change I asked him to, after I ended things?

7thatsanope ci racconta la sua esperienza:

I ended my 6 month relationship with my ex about 2 weeks ago. We are both 29.
when I met him, he had been separated from his wife for approximately 6 months.
our relationship right off the bat felt incredibly serious, healthy, and happy. I really believed that this guy deserved a second chance at love. he told me almost daily that he had never been happier, felt safer, trusted someone more. and it was mutual.
his divorce hadn’t happened yet because he was trying to come to terms with the fact that he could no longer afford the house that he owned with his wife (she left when they split). the only logical way to proceed is for him to sell the house and split the profits. this was, to my frustration, stalling the divorce. he would not bring this up to her at all and they never discussed a plan to figure it out.

I asked him about it a couple of times, but tried to not overly insert myself into the situation. I wanted to give him space and respect, but I also wanted to know that there was a path forward to him being untangled from this marriage so we could create our own path forward, no strings attached to the past.
this came to a head a couple of weeks ago. he made it clear that he did not want to let go of the house. he said it was his entire identity, and he wanted to keep it (going into debt in the process) because he can’t envision a life without it. knowing that this would indefinitely prolong the divorce, I told him that I needed to walk away from the relationship and that if he wanted to be an available, present partner, he knew where to find me. we have been no contact since.

today, he listed his house.

is this too little too late? why did it take me breaking up with him for him to make moves? he blew up our relationship for no reason at all. I’m incredibly hurt and confused.

tldr: ex made the change I had wanted, after I ended things.

His marriage fell apart 6 months before you met him. He wasn’t over it then, and he still isn’t over it now. He didn’t blow up your relationship for no reason; he hadn’t processed the end of his marriage.

People who have barely left their marriage and don’t know who they are outside of said marriage yet can’t just drop everything and jump into something new.

My mom is attached to her home in a way I will never understand, but I believe her about it. She lived so much of her life in that house. It’s the entire fruit of her labor. I think it was probably similar for your ex. I believe him that it wasn’t as simple of a decision as you wanted it to be. It sounds like he just needed time and space to accept the incredibly difficult decision he had to make. I don’t think it necessarily has to do with you or your relationship.

Because he hadn’t fully processed his marriage. In a way, it was a way for him to hold onto what was the way his life had been.

Change is difficult.

You’re not wrong for setting a boundary. Who knows if him even listing it has anything to do with your request.

I feel like you are coming on a but heavy for six months. You say this had been bothering you for a while so how early in to the relationship had you brought it up? Also am I right in guessing he hasn’t even been separated for a year? It would take me a while to give up a house or a car I’d worked so hard for and someone on at me about it all the time wouldn’t help.

>. . . he blew up our relationship for no reason at all.

He didn’t blow up the relationship, you did. It was you that gave him an ultimatum and left. If you felt that was the right decision for you, own it. But don’t blame him for something you chose to do.

I’m not sure thw two things are necessarily connected ? He could have continued with his plan and then found it wasnt viabke.

It’s only been 6 months from a divorce he needs a bit leniency. That’s a big change that he is going through and it’s still kinda fresh

You were the rebound. There was never a path forward. He hasn’t even started the actual divorce process yet and isn’t over his wife. He’s not going to be ready for a real relationship for a while.