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Asexual people with non-asexual partners, how does your “sex life” happen? The other person needs some kind of satisfaction?

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Questa volta abbiamo cercato: Asexual people with non-asexual partners, how does your “sex life” happen? The other person needs some kind of satisfaction?
Asexual people with non-asexual partners, how does your “sex life” happen? The other person needs some kind of satisfaction?

Ed ecco le risposte:

Oh, finally I can answer this one!
I’m asexual and my partner is not.
I’m not completely disgusted by sex, but I really just don’t “crave” it like sexual people do.
It’s kind of like a “Yeah, I’m not really hungry, but my partner is offering me half of this sandwich, so, ya know what, sure, looks good enough, why not?” situation.
I don’t ever really seek out or initiate sex with my partner, but if he’s like, “Hey, I’m kinda in the mood for sex,” if I’m not doing anything else and don’t feel tired, then sure, why the hell not.

As an a-sexual I find that it can be very fun to use toys on my wife. I dislike sex very much. I don’t even like being touched all that much. Using toys was a discovery I made when I encouraged my wife to try getting sexual aids. It gives me the satisfaction of pleasing my partner without the hassle of me having to force myself into having sex. I’ve actually come to enjoy using sexual aids on my wife. It makes it so that I’m still heavily involved in the sexual process without having to make myself uncomfortable at all.

Not all ace folks are sex repulsed, and some of us even get enjoyment out of sex with a partner we care about, even if it’s not a thing we’d seek out ourselves.

I find the food analogies to be helpful. I don’t like bell peppers, I dont cook with them, I don’t seek them out and if given the opportunity, I will avoid eating them. However when my friend shares with me a delicious homemade meal that includes bell peppers, I’ll still eat it and I’ll enjoy the hell out of it because shes a great cook.

But my eating bell peppers in this instance doesn’t mean I now like bell peppers, and i kind of view being asexual in a similar way. I’ll have sex with my partner and I’m able to enjoy it because I love and trust him as a person. It doesn’t mean I now want to have sex all the time, I just was able to find the right conditions to make it palatable to me as someone who generally does not like it. Or bell peppers.

This is me, spot on.

First of, in my experience, there are two types of asexuals:

  1. Those who are sex-repulsed
  2. Those who are attracted to none of the genders/people (this is me).

I feel the need to point this out, because it means that ace people will have vastly different experiences, and you might hear asexuality described in different terms, depending on the person in question.

How I am Ace: I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I don’t mind sex. Hence, it’s very easy to pass for none-ace. In my experience, the second category is often more open to sex than the first (generally, not a hard rule). And there are nuances in between. For me, I never got that thing where you can look at someone and say “wow, that guy/girl is hot. I would love to do X with them” without first knowing them, and when I do know them, it’s the personality that decides if I like them or not.

What sex is like for me: For me, sex is like football. It’s a physical activity that can be fun, but I don’t have any passion for it. I don’t go out looking for someone to ‘play’ with. That said, I don’t mind doing it if the other person wants to. It can be fun doing it with people I care about (in this case, my bf), but I could still have a fulfilling life without it.

My current relationship: I was attracted to my bf because of how smart he is, and how kind and gentle he is. Sex happens mostly if he initiates it, but sometimes I do too (like 20% of the time maybe), but it always only happens if both of us agree enthusiastically. I do mostly enjoy it while we’re doing it, but it is sometimes harder for me to get of while with him, mostly because there isn’t that physical sexual attraction underneath, and some work have to go into the mental work and relaxing physically instead of focusing on him. That said, we’ve developed a great sexual dialogue, so mostly it’s good. Like any physical activity, I usually need that little extra time or effort to “psyche myself up” to get started with it (like sports. I have to think, “let’s do this”. It’s always a bit of a resistance beforehand, but rarely do you regret it after. Assuming you have good company).

Horny?:I do get horny sometimes, although it would be easiest for me to handle it myself, I sometimes use this to initiate it with the bf. It makes our relationship smoother (and yes, it does so because I know it makes him happy. But the truth is it also makes me happy, only perhaps not for the same reasons).

Final thoughts: That said, all of this only applies to me. I know you can have a great relationship without sex (or a great life without relationships for that matter. I haven’t even touched on the romantic aspects of this). Although it might have been easier for me in a sex-less relationship, I’ve chosen to build up a sexual behavior that works for me. Partly because of pressures from society. I want to connect with people, and all my life I’ve been told sex is part of that. Now, as an adult, I understand that that’s not true. It would probably have been both harder and easier though to eliminate sex from the equation entirely… But this is how I made it work.