I realized no matter what I won’t look good in their eyes, and I started hanging out with some people like me. We’re all a bunch of weirdos on a quest to belong. I have people now who accept me for me, and that’s enough in my book.
I picked up creative hobbies. I got into crochet and Warhammer miniatures painting.
The products of my hobbies are things which have objective quality. They demonstrate dedication, patience, and artistic capability. And that’s the key to falling in love with yourself. Firmly knowing that you have character qualities and skills which put you above the rest.
I think the first step, like with so many other things, was realizing that I had an issue. I reached a point where I was unhappy with most of my relationships, I was desperate to be relevant to the people around me, desperate to have my friends like me all the time, desperate to have a cookie cutter, instagram approved boyfriend, and I had to eventually be real with myself about why I felt the need to have those things. I ended up getting rid of most of my social media, and while I do still have a Facebook, I only have about 70 people on there, mostly close friends and family, and even that I limit the amount of time I spend on there in a day. It’s really improved my self worth. Why should I care about looking a certain way, or presenting my life a certain way to people who wouldn’t even remember my birthday if Facebook didn’t tell them. Instead of worrying about what hundreds of people, some of which I literally barely know, and what they think of me, I’ve been able to focus on the people that really matter.
As for loving myself, it’s a constant battle. I have days where I hate myself from head to toe to soul, but I’ve seen a big improvement since I stopped trying to, for lack of a better word, stage my life for pictures and stuff. I’m not inherently a pretty girl. With a full face of makeup and my hair done I might turn a head or two, but I’m definitely nothing special in that department, and certainly not beautiful. And I’m starting to be okay with that, because I’m other things that Im proud of. I’m not pretty, but I think that I have a really compassionate heart. I don’t have the body that I’d like to, but I’m good at making people laugh. Every person has value, love the things that you are instead of worrying over the things that you aren’t.
People often see you as you see yourself, or rather as you present yourself. They believe the image your project. If that’s confidence, then that’s great; if it’s not, well that sucks. Learned from How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Also, how people respond to you is usually a reflection of their mental state and it has very little to do with you. That’s why people who are geniunely happy don’t go around judging others for fun. Learned this from reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. Probably the most helpful book I’ve read, in regards to this issue.
Also, Brene Brown is reason enough to love yourself, if you haven’t seen her Ted talks, I highly recommend them. I’ve learned a lot from her book Daring Greatly.
Something comforting I read once that stuck with me was along the lines of, “If you think other people are thinking about you and criticizing you in their minds, consider how often you think about and criticize yourself — chances are, you’re too busy doing it to think about and criticize others, right? So is everyone else.”
People, by nature, are self-centered in the sense that they’re ALWAYS wondering what others think of them. I assure you that strangers aren’t thinking about you negatively all day or even remember something “embarrassing” you’ve done (and I put “embarrassing” in quotes because while you may have done something you think is cringe worthy, 9/10 people honestly don’t see it the same way).
It’s hard to initially steer away from focusing on what others might be thinking about you, but when you realize that a majority of people are mainly focused on themselves, you’ll be able to feel a little more at ease with the fact that you don’t need to work so hard to please them. As with other comments on this thread, it is true you can’t please everyone. Take that unrealistic burden off your shoulders.
Try to please those most significant in your life, those that’ll appreciate it, and don’t try to go above and beyond — most people don’t need that gesture. Don’t stretch yourself thin trying to make someone happy, because happiness comes from within.
There’s only so much you can do, but take comfort in that statement. Try then, to focus a bit more on yourself. Please and be kind to yourself as you would to others, because you’re just as important as everyone else.
If it’s validation that you’re seeking, begin by validating yourself. In therapy, one common practice is to write a list of good things about yourself. You can even get others around you do add what they think your best traits are, which is awesome if they bring up one you’ve already written down! You now know for certain you’ve got a lot going for you, so you can begin mentally validating yourself by countering any negative thoughts with those positive ones.
Also, try validating others! I found throwing compliments at people — “You hair looks nice!” or “I like your shirt!” — not only boosted their moods, but my own. Whenever you feel like you need some validation, validate someone else (you may even get a comment back without really trying for it, but if you don’t, you’ve still made someone happy ALSO without really trying.)
It’s going to be a journey, but I’m sure you’ve got it! Self-love starts with a positive mindset, and a lot of us who seem like we have it all together are still faking it until we actually make it. Good luck!