Racconti di Guerra

worlds best security violation and that time I almost burned down the SCIF. /u/elitist_ferret does forensics!

Un altro racconto di guerra; questa volta l’utente elitist_ferret scrive:

Coincidentally me and this SEAL had gone to the “next generation forensics kit” meeting at Ft. Bragg to decide what cool devices they should select for the next forensics kit (team tablet all the way fuck you team laptop). I had also done a lot of SSE where I ripped various electronic devices on numerous ops.

So there I was, like 4 weeks from getting out. I was pretty well known at the command at this point and I was pretty much universally regarded as the SME for anything technical. I'm my troop space kinda hiding from all responsibilities cuz I didn't give a fuck. If I recall correctly I was actually doing homework for my BS in comp sci. My CWO3 and the SSO walk in.


“We may have a problem. _______ may have sent a classified Ballsniffer3000TM though regular mail to an unclassified training event. Apparently the contractors turned it on and immediately freaked out and told them to drive it back here to the SCIF. Go do forensics on it and see if it's true.”

Well that sounds fun I guess. Surely they couldn't have been so dumb as to ship classified mail via regular means. The issue is Ballsniffer3000s could be classified SCI if used for certain activities but people don't like to because once classified then they stay classified. Worst case someone probably did that, erased the drive, and forgot to reset the ip tables configuration (the IP configuration is what scared the contractors, the way it was set up was if you were going to hook it up to SCI). At least that's what I naively told myself.

So I go grab some toys from the equipment room and set up for what I was thinking would be a big “nah it's fine” reveal. Haha ha.

First thing I notice a total lack of classification stickers on any part of it. Cool looks good. I boot her up and start poking about in her fun bits. First thing I see are operation names. Fuck. Second thing I notice are files going back to operations as far 5 years ago. Then I notice all the SCI it was loaded with. Oodles of stuff WAY classified. It's like it had been out doing sneakycool guy shit for 5 years and had been mailed directly to the civilian contractor place. What in the fuck. Hilary Clinton's email server would have sucked this things dick level of classified.

So I had to write a unclassified and classified sworn statement with my Chief as a witness about every step I did and all the classified shit I found. I had to get the laptop I used to do it declared SCI. So lazy fucking me spend like 2 of the last 4 weeks at the command doing paperwork.

Lots of people at _____ got fired or had clearances suspended for that one.

It didn't even end there. Later that week they had finally started to inventory some connexes that were sitting out in the compound parking lot for years. All kinds of off the books equipment and gear are being discovered. Some of it classified and totally not secure and off the books. Unsurprisingly all the off the books stuff that was classified didn't become a problem I'm not shady you're shady

Then we came upon something labeled Fartgazer. See the problem was the Farkgazer looks a whole lot like a Ballsniffer3000. And some mother fucker had slapped a red secret sticker to it. A Ballsniffer3000 would either be unclassified or SCI so what the shit is up with the Fartgazer label and that red secret sticker?!?!!?

Of course… guess who's the command computer forensics guy! CWO3 Death Machine asks me nicely to “take care of it” so I took it out back and drowned it on the boat ramps. Just kidding.

I take the little guy upstairs and gently prod his ports for packets. Version mismatch. Well fuck you too. So I leave him running, unsupervised, in the SCIF. Me dumb.

I finally find a version of the software little Fartgazer wanted to talk to so I go back to the scif. And there's wee little Fartgazer with flames shooting out of all the air vents. I run over and unplug it and pour water all over it and the desk. CWO3 death machine has ran over at this point and asks if it's out.

Being a fucking genius I say, “uhhh.. I don't see anymore orange though the air vents!”.

CWO3 looks at me like I'm a fucking retard.

So we take this half drown, half burnt little Fartgazer to the SSO. She was actually happy, seemingly not bothered by our waterboarding of little Fartgazer. If it didn't work anymore then there was no way to verify if it had classified on it or not in the first place. Problem solved. 😐 I still wonder if she thinks we did it on purpose.

Later we found out all Fartgazers are unclassified so some retard labeled it by mistake or something. So that's how I almost burned down the SCIF. If I had been even 2 minutes later the whole desk would probably have been on fire. Sometimes it pays to be smart, sometimes it pays a lot more to be lucky. From my stories here I'm sure you notice I tend to be very lucky lol.