My bf and I have been together for four years. I've noticed he absolutely loves to push my buttons.
I'm quite passionate about certain things and he loves to pretend he feels the opposite to watch me vehemently deny, get impassioned and defend said topic.
He does this only for the purpose of winding me up, and gets absolute joy out of watching my reaction.
To give an example: I don't like hunting, so he will talk about how wonderful it must be to have your first kill. He of course doesn't like to hunt, but he talks about it in such a way that he is begging me to jump in and state my piece so he can delight from me responding.
At first I found it quite cute/funny, because I always bite, and then I think 'oh you caught me out again! Haha'.
But now I just feel a bit stupid being wound up, and it's started to annoy me. It's gotten to the point that when he says things, I just ignore him or have no reaction, because I assume he is trying to wind me up and I don't want to get caught out. I just want to be able to have genuine conversation that doesn't devolve to him pushing my buttons.
Am I being a joykill? He genuinely is being light hearted when he does it, but it's grinding my gears: he trolls me all the time.
Is there something more sinister about this? Sometimes it feels manipulative but the amount of sheer joy he gets seems harmless enough.
I snapped at him and he seemed hurt. I said 'I never know if you are expressing your real feelings or just trying to get a rise out of me, and it makes me not want to talk to you.'
Anyway is this something? Or nothing.
TLDR: My bf's teasing is pissing me off. Do I need to grow a thicker skin, or is there something deeper going on here?
Your feelings are valid. You’re allowed not to like banter, and I would personally also be wary of people who alter their opinion just to get a rise out of you. Why would he want to see you agitated? How is that fun? To me it’s only a good joke if both people are in on it.
Explain your stance to him, how he reacts to you telling him this will tell you what you need to do from there. If he goes into any type of “it’s just a joke, relax”-explanations, I’d reconsider the relationship entirely. If he can have a level-headed mature discussion about it, that’s a good sign, but make sure he actually walks the walk and changes his attitude.
I’ve had some similar issues with my boyfriend. And we’ve had several conversations over it. It’s gotten better. Everyone has their own. Immunization styles and it’s normal to adapt depending on the people you’re around.
I started calling my boyfriend out when he started doing it. I asked him did he genuinely think I was enjoying the exchange. He admitted he knew I didn’t love it. So I asked him why would he keep doing something he knows I dislike. I told him I was uncomfortable with him having fun at my expense. He’s a guy who sometimes departed with colleagues, and often had Facebook debates. I told him that dynamic just isn’t ok with me, his girlfriend. It makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me, and thinks my opinions are stupid. It was also frustrating . His arguments were often really bad, but he would never admit it.
I just had to stand my ground and keep reminding him that if he knows I don’t like it, it’s not ok to keep doing it.
No you are not being a killjoy, he is.
He is making fun of what you care about. Making fun of you for caring. It’s actually really mean. He should be too old for this shit. This is serious conversation territory. You can’t relax around him to have a real conversation because he is always making fun of your passions. This is big giant red flag territory. Like 6 month relationship break up or longer than that strike 1.
This sounds like a conversation that’s long overdue. What your bf is doing is pretty standard boyfriend girlfriend stuff, but it’s only good if you find it endearing, not aggravating.
The way I see it, you have two ways of dealing with it:
- You grow a thicker skin and dish out just as much as you get, or
- You have a serious conversation with him about how that’s something you can’t make peace with.
Your call. I have no idea about the consequences of each, if any.