I cant believe this is happening. I went to high school with this girl who is 5 years older than me (we are now both in our twenties and both female). I wasn’t really friends with her however we were friendly with each other.
Fast forward 3 years, she reached out to me and wanted to get coffee. I of course was eager to do so. She has always been a little different and I thought she may just have some learning disabilities (which she confirmed with me and told me about it). I have hung out with her just twice within the past couple of months. Both times I picked her up from her college campus and I then drove her to coffee and food places and then back to her home which is about 15 minutes away just to drop her off. Everything has been going well and she’s asked me to go to some concerts with her (she normally initiates). Again, we have only hung out twice since high school. Both times I dropped her off at home and came inside and had some nice conversations with her Mother. Not too long, maybe about 15 minutes each time. And then left right after. Everything seemed fine and it has been pretty casual, nothing crazy.
So….this morning my Mom was talking to a new friend (we will call my Mom’s friend Jill). Jill knows this girl and her family. My Mom mentioned that I had reconnected with my friend, told Jill my name, and Jill said someing shocking. She had this look on her face and said that my friend’s Mom said something to her husband. Jill said that her husband was talking with my friend’s Mom and that the Mom said, and I quote, “My daughter is extremely vulnerable. In fact, she just reconnected with a high school friend, (insert my name), who is grooming her”.
I. Cannot. Believe. This. I have so many emotions going through me right now. All I wanted was to be nice to this girl and now it is going around that I am grooming her😭. HOW? WHY? I’m worried that this false accusation could affect my life. I never even initiated any of our hangouts. It seems like her Mom made this all up on her own because my friend is texting me like normal. Apparently my friend’s Mom also accused another lady of the same thing so it seems like it’s a pattern. What do I do? Do I just ghost my friend? This is the most disturbing thing that’s happened to me. I wouldn’t wish being falsely accused of something like this on anybody. I am extremely paranoid now that the Mom has told everybody her lie.
Edit: I’m also 100% heterosexual and have a boyfriend. Making the whole thing even more confusing. I’m also without a doubt positive that my Mom’s friend said that. She has a reputation for calling random women groomers of her daughter.
TL;DR
I (21f) reconnected with a mentally disabled girl from high school (26f) a couple of months ago and have hung out with her twice. She is the one that has initiated, just going to coffee shops and to get food. I’ve had a couple of short conversations with her Mom. I just found out that my friend’s Mom is telling people that I am grooming her. Using my whole name and everything. I AM SO CONFUSED AND SHOCKED. I have spent max 3 hours with her and all in public places. I don’t know what to do!
Are you positive she actually said that? As it stands, you heard this through a pretty long chain of he-said-she-said. I’d probably verify that first and then just ask her straight up, “Why did you tell so-and-so that I was grooming your daughter? Your daughter INVITED ME to go get coffee and chat. We’re friends. That’s all.”
But, for your own safety, if she presses it, you may need to regretfully pull back as your fears of this effecting you negatively aren’t unfounded.
That’s really unfortunate. Your friend could use a friend, but it sounds like her mother would rather isolate her.
Have you tried telling your friend this? Show her this post. Maybe your friend isn’t even aware her mother is doing this. She may be doing it behind her back to sabotage her friendships with anyone so she can keep her isolated. Especially if your friend is still living with mom and helping her out. Her mom probably has a very sick codependency with her daughter.
It’s up to you on whether you ditch the friend. It just depends on how much drama you want to go through. I’m sure the friend would be hurt if you ghosted her. But unless she cuts her mom out, your friendship is probably doomed. She needs to get away from mommy.
Huh. If you like your friend and are willing to have a friendship where you take her out (as a friend) once a month, then it might be worth it to calmly confront her mother. Say you understand that she is calling you a groomer, is that true? Ask her why she objects to a friendship. Tell her using the word groomer is not acceptable and you hope you misunderstood.
You need to disengage now its sad for your friend but this kind of rumour sticks to easy and can land you before a Judge before you know it you will be found innovent but it will stick ” She was just lucky who knows what she did with her disabled friend . Well seems like she is good with covering her tracks ” You must pull yourself from a ambivalent observable situation before your up to your neck
I know a lot of people here are saying you should tell your friend why you’re unable to talk anymore or telling you to confront her mother, but honestly her mom sounds like a narcissist who would take either one of those actions as proof and it would only escalate from here. Acknowledging that she even made this accusation against you would, in her mind, become more concrete and something she then won’t back down from. Sometimes you have to be selfish and ghost, in this situation you’re a semi public figure and even the acknowledgment of a claim that you’re grooming a mentally disabled person could put a proverbial Scarlett letter on you and even if it isn’t true it would cast some doubts with the general public and your audience. You’re young and successful and you’re putting that at risk. While it’s horrible that your friend has a mother isolating her like that, you really should not put yourself in a position to be the sacrificial lamb for someone you really don’t even know outside of maybe a handful of hangouts.
After reading through the comments, I believe you are doing the right thing. If you are ever able to see your friend again in person (like if you run into her shopping or something) you should tell her about what her mother is doing. I think putting it in writing isn’t exactly safe, because mom will use it as proof that you actually were grooming her even though she was the one that reached out to you.
I am assuming friend is an adult? Would there be any sort of adult protective service near you that you can call and say you are worried about your friend’s mom trying to isolate her because of the accusations?
Not sure if anyone else mentioned this … but could it be a language issue? Grooming as in mentoring, guiding? Not the grooming for nefarious purposes? Usage being something like “ The King’s eldest son was groomed to be a warrior prince from birth” etc. I would hate to think your friendliness and generosity of heart was so badly misconstrued.
> Do I just ghost my friend?
Yes, you do. It’s awful, it’s not good for her, you, or society. However – her parents in this spot hold all the power and can ruin your life. Stay away.
Just saying, straight women with no interest in a girl can still be groomers. The danger is real. But you’re probably just trying to hang with your friend. It sounds like her mother has an issue. Is your friend safe? Does she have an okay relationship with her mother? I mean, I’m no social expert, but maybe you should ask her about the comment?