TW – murder, rape, substance abuse, unrelenting existential crisis
Four years ago my then-boyfriend had a psychotic break, in which I was raped and beaten over the course of about 12hrs, to an extent that it was life-threatening. I very nearly bled to death on my kitchen floor. When I was at the hospital, I was given antiretrovirals for possible STDs. They didn't give me anything for birth control, but the way it was phrased in the discharge papers, it made it sound like they did. Abortion wasn't an option for me personally when I found out I was pregnant 4mos later. I found myself unable to put my son up for adoption once he was here. All of this really just messed me up. I quit my job, got rid of my apartment, and moved back home with my mom.
In the time that's passed, I've developed a pretty severe addiction to (legally prescribed) Xanax and have been pretty dependent on it for, basically not having constant nightmares 24/7? I don't know if it's a common thing or what, but when I'm not wasted enough I'll be minding my own business and then BAM! I'm back in my apartment, he's raising the liquor bottle to my head. I can actually physically feel his hand around my neck and I can't breathe. Or I'll be back in the courtroom with his mom glaring at me from the gallery, the attorney yelling at me. When this is happening to me, I can't process that it's not reality and will meltdown into the way I felt when it was actually happening. I've actually vomited before. When it's happened in my sleep, I've scratched myself up enough that I'm bleeding. It's really obvious to anyone who's seen me that I'm not ok, I'm basically a pale skeleton with glassy, dead-looking eyes. I don't go outside. I rarely leave my bedroom. I haven't talked to any of my friends or family. My mom has more or less been raising my son while I waste away in front of the TV in a drugged-up haze.
Recently, I've decided that this isn't ok and I want to be better. I knew that my mom was in denial of my problems, but I wasn't ready for her continuing to be in denial after I started talking frankly about the truth. I've been trying to talk about my feelings and how I don't want to live this way anymore. She just continues to act like there's nothing wrong, as though nothing has happened. Whenever I mention the attack or anything about it, she can't hear me. She can't even acknowledge that it was a thing that happened and that I might need some kind of help for it. However, whenever I've mentioned anything about my son, such as how I've struggled to bond him, she gets angry and outright tells me I'm a horrible person and need to shut the fuck up and get over myself. But that's seriously as close to any kind of acknowledgment that I've been able to get from her.
I don't really know what to do? I kind of feel doomed honestly. I don't want to keep living in a stumbling blackout forever, but I'm really struggling to do anything better for myself without any support. I don't know how I can get through to my mom?