TW – murder, rape, substance abuse, unrelenting existential crisis
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Four years ago my then-boyfriend had a psychotic break, in which I was raped and beaten over the course of about 12hrs, to an extent that it was life-threatening. I very nearly bled to death on my kitchen floor. When I was at the hospital, I was given antiretrovirals for possible STDs. They didn't give me anything for birth control, but the way it was phrased in the discharge papers, it made it sound like they did. Abortion wasn't an option for me personally when I found out I was pregnant 4mos later. I found myself unable to put my son up for adoption once he was here. All of this really just messed me up. I quit my job, got rid of my apartment, and moved back home with my mom.
In the time that's passed, I've developed a pretty severe addiction to (legally prescribed) Xanax and have been pretty dependent on it for, basically not having constant nightmares 24/7? I don't know if it's a common thing or what, but when I'm not wasted enough I'll be minding my own business and then BAM! I'm back in my apartment, he's raising the liquor bottle to my head. I can actually physically feel his hand around my neck and I can't breathe. Or I'll be back in the courtroom with his mom glaring at me from the gallery, the attorney yelling at me. When this is happening to me, I can't process that it's not reality and will meltdown into the way I felt when it was actually happening. I've actually vomited before. When it's happened in my sleep, I've scratched myself up enough that I'm bleeding. It's really obvious to anyone who's seen me that I'm not ok, I'm basically a pale skeleton with glassy, dead-looking eyes. I don't go outside. I rarely leave my bedroom. I haven't talked to any of my friends or family. My mom has more or less been raising my son while I waste away in front of the TV in a drugged-up haze.
Recently, I've decided that this isn't ok and I want to be better. I knew that my mom was in denial of my problems, but I wasn't ready for her continuing to be in denial after I started talking frankly about the truth. I've been trying to talk about my feelings and how I don't want to live this way anymore. She just continues to act like there's nothing wrong, as though nothing has happened. Whenever I mention the attack or anything about it, she can't hear me. She can't even acknowledge that it was a thing that happened and that I might need some kind of help for it. However, whenever I've mentioned anything about my son, such as how I've struggled to bond him, she gets angry and outright tells me I'm a horrible person and need to shut the fuck up and get over myself. But that's seriously as close to any kind of acknowledgment that I've been able to get from her.
I don't really know what to do? I kind of feel doomed honestly. I don't want to keep living in a stumbling blackout forever, but I'm really struggling to do anything better for myself without any support. I don't know how I can get through to my mom?
First of all, you are so strong and incredible. Second of all, it’s important you do what’s necessary to help yourself, with or without your mom. Try to find some other form of support, and definitely seek help. You can do it!
You aren’t a horrible person, you don’t need to “shut the fuck up,” and this is not something you can just “get over.” Everything your mom is telling you is wrong and I am unbelievably sorry that you are enduring this on top of everything else you have been through.
You were tortured. Period. It is not your responsibility to “get through” to someone who refuses to acknowledge that her daughter was tortured and nearly killed. You shouldn’t have to bear that emotional labor.
Please prioritize yourself first. You may want to consider looking into a domestic violence support group. Survivors in these groups are there to help you in a confidential, anonymous setting. Many of them have been through similar traumas and will be able to acknowledge and understand your pain as close as anybody. These are spaces for you to vent, rage, grieve, support others, empower yourself, and heal.
After Silence is an online support group for sexual violence survivors and so is Pandora’s Aquarium.
You can also find a multitude of other online domestic violence support groups here.
In addition, depending on your location, your local domestic violence agency should have several support groups available in-person (though they may be transitioned to tele-groups temporarily during the pandemic) in addition to free individual counseling services.
Here is an international directory of domestic violence agencies all over the world.
It also sounds like you may be experiencing PTSD. Nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts are common symptoms of PTSD. If you contact a domestic violence agency, they can help you set up a referral to work with a psychiatrist to develop a treatment plan for you.
I am so sorry you went through this. I am wishing you the utmost of love.
I’m so sorry all of that happened to you, and that you’re still dealing with it.
And I’m sorry that your mom sucks.
And I’m sorry that I don’t have any useful advice.
I just want to give you a hug forever and yell at your mom for you.
Is it possible your mom is denial as her coping mechanism? Instead of facing the truth that her child almost died and is suffering she tries to ignore it because that’s the only way she can deal with it? I’m NOT excusing her behavior, rather I want to say she likely needs therapy to process this situation. Maybe family therapy for both of you would be a good route to work through things. You deserve support and I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to live through and live with
Don’t lose your energy worrying over her approval. Get help. The flashbacks you are experiencing can be managed – theres lots of resources online as well.