Thank you everyone! I finally told him. He was disappointed and a little hurt, but the conversation went better than I imagined. He understands why I did it. He's really incredible.
Now I don't have to have sleepless nights thinking about how and when to finally tell him or be afraid I'll tell him in my sleep or if I have one too many glasses of wine.
Maybe I can let loose a bit and maybe actually enjoy myself for real. I still feel icky for having lied to him, but I also feel a huge weight off my soul. & I'm excited for the future!!
I'm sorry if this isn't allowed here, I'm new to this sub.
I never felt like I deserved to feel good. I never thought my pleasure was super important. I grew up having to be performative for any affection and attention from my parents. When I first started having sex I thought there was something wrong with me for taking such a long time to orgasm. When I told an ex that I had been faking it with him he basically said it was more enjoyable for him if I just kept doing it and if I tried to focus on my pleasure, he would get disinterested. So it eventually became a habit I couldn't break.
Now I'm with this guy who makes me the happiest in the world and makes me feel deserving of love and he wants me to feel good. But I've already been faking it with him for awhile and I'm afraid of what will happen if I'm finally honest about it.
I've never told anyone any of this and I have a lot of shame. Sometimes this keeps me up at night and I feel nauseous thinking about what would happen if I ever accidentally let this slip. I love him so much, and I'm really scared.
Should I tell him? How should I tell him?