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My (26F) boyfriend (35m) choked me until I passed out during sex, waited until he “finished” to check on me.

jm0928 ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

I am usually a fan of vanilla sex, my boyfriend isn't. He likes the BDSM side of things. When we first got together 5 years ago, I had barely done anything other than missionary. He is my second relationship, and my third sexual partner. We explored some things, and I found out that I enjoyed being lightly choked and by that I mean I liked having his hand on me, nothing more.

Last night, we were enjoying our time together, and things got.. weird, uncomfortable, and flat out dangerous. I was laying on my stomach, and he was laying on top of me. He started getting more and more aggressive, pulling my hair, and pinning my arms at my sides. I didn't argue, in the heat of the moment it was nice. He started choking me, he literally put me in a headlock. I couldn't breathe and started seeing stars and getting tunnel vision. I tried moving my hands, but he had trapped me, I tried to use our safe word, but I literally couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe at all. I passed out.

When I came to, I was rolled over on my back. I started crying, and asked him how long I had been unconscious for. He said he wasn't sure, and that he “Didn't notice” that I had even passed out until he had “finished”. I told him to get away from me. He argued that I didn't say anything, or tap out. I said how could I? You pinned me down and choked me until I passed out? I called a friend and left immediately.

He's been calling me all day. He doesn't want me to throw away 5 years of a relationship for 1 mistake. I am hesitant to go back to him. I'm afraid, how could he not notice me no longer making noise (I'm super vocal) or going limp? My friend says I can stay with her as long as I want, and for now I've turned my phone off. One of the last texts he sent me he said that it's just because I'm “inexperienced with breath play” and idk what that even means. He said we never talked about what happened if things went too far, and I say he took all my options away from me (pinning my arms down, choking me until I couldn't speak).

I feel disgusting and violated. I briefly thought about filing a police report, but for what? In five years, nothing like this has ever happened. Is this normal? Could it really have been an accident that I'm blowing out of proportion? Did I really just not understand kinky sex?

This is not normal. He definitely noticed you were unconscious, how could he not? You’re not making any sounds, and you’re completely limp. It’s obvious, even if he was in the “heat of the moment”. You should leave him. In my opinion, he raped you. You were unconscious and he didn’t stop. It doesn’t matter that he’s your boyfriend. I’m not sure if you can file a police report so I think you would have to look into that a little more but I definitely think you should leave him. Putting someone in a headlock is not choking, it’s dangerous. I’m into choking too but my partner never does it too hard and knows his boundaries. If your boyfriend put so much strength into choking you, then he knew what he was doing and probably wanted you to pass out.

Hands down fucked up. No excuses, bdsm should generally be enjoyable and consenting.

He assaulted (raped) you.

Holy shit. Yeah, that’s not a mistake, that’s rape and an extraordinarily dangerous incident. Has he ignored your boundaries before? Have there been issues of control in your relationship?

Please visit

OP, you need to seek medical attention right away! Please!
“…without proper medical care, strangulation can lead to death days or even weeks after the attack…”

OP – what you experienced was sexual assault. Without a doubt or a question. When you passed out, consent was revoked. Your well being comes before your partner’s orgasm, and that shouldn’t have to be said out loud.

Run. Run very far away. Do not go back to his/your house without someone with you. If you chose to file a police report, it would be for assault, sexual assault. Do not be alone with him. Destroying your boundaries is the first way that an abuser will manipulate you. He crossed more than one boundary last night. I know you say that in five years you’ve never seen this behavior, but people can turn cold at any moment.

Please, please, please get away from him.