Relazioni e amore

My (31f) boyfriend (49m) convinced me that we needed to stop talking to my mom. I figured out why and it’s messing me up

cmonmaaaan ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

Going to do bullet points so this doesn't get to be 100000000 pages long. Also, the title is like, the tip of the iceberg so buckle up I guess

Also I have been up since 4 on 2 hours of sleep and my brain is fried all the time so bear with me pls be nice to me

  • together for almost 3 years
  • got pregnant unexpectedly; had a super difficult pregnancy with many complications including severe HG, bleeding, finding out I have a gene mutation that causes pregnancy complications and birth defects. We broke up at the beginning of my pregnancy because he thought I was being dramatic about the HG and refused to take me to the hospital. After i was taken to the hospital and the doctors told him how close to dying I had been he realised he'd been stupid and we reconciled.
  • I was in labor for almost 60 hours, things didn't progress properly, there were complications, I finally had an emergency c section. Baby was born on Star Wars day ?
  • recovery has been completely awful for me and once again my boyfriend has decided I'm being dramatic because “(Son) is an easy baby”. This somehow doesn't cure my continued nausea, pain from having my abdomen opened and then stitched shut, rock hard boobs and sleep deprivation but thanks I guess. He changes diapers and holds/plays with baby when he's not working or fucking around on the internet.

So the stuff about my mom:

Shortly after we reconciled, he and my mom had a disagreement about something. At the time he told me that she was being toxic and trying to meddle in our relationship and that it was better if we ceased communication. He showed me screenshots from his phone that at the time seemed fairly convincing. My mom isn't crazy about him anyway, and she'd made no secret about that when we were separated, so even though I was surprised by the things “she” was saying I did believe him (and stupidly felt like it was the right thing to do to make things work with him).

It bothered me that he was constantly asking me if I had been talking to her and that he was paranoid about it but I was like well, what she said was really hurtful (basically that he was abusing me but that I was too stupid to see it and that she was going to come take our baby away so he wouldn't be raised by him), so I understand.

A couple of days ago I overheard him talking about me on a discord voice chat, basically complaining that I was being lazy and useless since I gave birth and that it was my “job” so I needed to suck it up and do it. I didn't let him know that I had overheard, but I was upset. Later on we were in the bedroom and the baby was losing his mind and I was having trouble getting him to latch and I was in so much pain and I just started crying and saying I wanted my mom. He snapped at me that my mom had filled my head with feminist garbage my whole life and that was why I was weak and couldn't handle something women had been doing for thousands of years. I was kind of floored. I'd never heard him say anything like that before. I told him he needed to leave and go sleep elsewhere because I was really hurt.

When he went to work the next morning I decided to call my mom and to see what the hell he has been doing on the internet, because I felt like that was the logical step to take.

I was not that surprised to find that he'd been on men's rights type websites (if you agree with that fine whatever) and was using them to express his frustration that although he'd thought he'd found an ideal young partner who would have babies and turn into an ideal housewife (which was so weird to read because I feel like I'm the furthest thing from some housewife type and I'm not shy about that, I guess my mom has been filling my head with feminist garbage my whole life after all ?. When we first met it seemed like we had lots of shared interests and ideas and he enjoyed my independence), but that pregnancy had made me gross and useless and then giving birth made me even worse, saying the only good thing about me was that I had a boy my first go.

I was pretty surprised however to learn that the original conversation he and my mom had was about his attitude toward me but had nothing to do with him being abusive and she never threatened to take the baby, she just suggested to him that if he really loved me he would support me and be there for me. He told HER she'd never speak to me again and that she'd never meet her grandchild. She forwarded me the conversations.

I'm not wrong in thinking this is all totally fucked up, right? There's absolutely no saving a relationship like this? I know it seems pretty cut and dry when it's all laid out but like…I just need someone to give me some advice on what to do, where to go from here?

Hmmm…Let’s see….

  • Significantly younger partner? CHECK
  • Isolates you from loved ones? CHECK
  • Doesn’t believe you about medical issues? CHECK
  • Lies and manipulates you? CHECK
  • Has misogynistic attitudes about children, childbirth, and gender roles? CHECK

ALL SIGNS POINT TO: He’s an abusive asshole. Things will only get worse. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

It’s fucked up. Get a lawyer, get copies of all his chat logs on the MRA sites (might come in handy during custody battles) and go to your mom.

Your boyfriend barely helped during the pregnancy, told you that you were being dramatic when you were clearly in pain, denied TAKING YOU TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN YOU WERE CLOSE TO DEATH, had to have a doctor tell him that you were close to death before he took you seriously, tells you that your mum is filling your head with “feminist bullshit”, barely helps with the baby, completely disregards your feelings, that you have to “suck it up because other women have been doing it”, lied to you about the context of the conversation he had with your mum to manipulate you, tried to turn you against your mum, calles you weak.
I could go on, but I think you get my point.

To put it frankly, your boyfriend is a manipulative, entitled, lazy, gaslighter. He has been gaslighting you, guilt-tripping you, distancing you from your mother ( a hallmark of abuse), lying to you, being a shit dad and husband and then goes on a men’s right page because apparently HE feels like he is being mistreated. It’s an insult to the highest degree. I’m sorry to be harsh but this stuff boils my blood. You are a strong woman, an amazing mum and you 1000% deserve better than your trashbag boyfriend. He is literally the worst. Dump and block immediately. I know you have a child together, but it’s not like he takes care of your child anyway. I can’t actually believe he is that awful to you.

There is no saving this relationship. He has shown that he doesn’t care about your health or happiness. He lied to isolate you from your mom because she pointed out his bad behavior. This is all textbook abusive stuff. You need to get out before he escalates or figures out that you’re onto him and finds a way to isolate you further.

I would document everything you found and get out if that’s at all possible.

Screen shoot everything you can and email them to yourself and copy your mom.

Get a lawyer.

Only have contact with him through text so you have record of ALL conversations.

Dude thought he could groom you, and you’re going to give him a wake-up call.

ETA: he was isolating from your mom because that’s one of the first pieces of abuse.