Going to do bullet points so this doesn't get to be 100000000 pages long. Also, the title is like, the tip of the iceberg so buckle up I guess
Also I have been up since 4 on 2 hours of sleep and my brain is fried all the time so bear with me pls be nice to me
- together for almost 3 years
- got pregnant unexpectedly; had a super difficult pregnancy with many complications including severe HG, bleeding, finding out I have a gene mutation that causes pregnancy complications and birth defects. We broke up at the beginning of my pregnancy because he thought I was being dramatic about the HG and refused to take me to the hospital. After i was taken to the hospital and the doctors told him how close to dying I had been he realised he'd been stupid and we reconciled.
- I was in labor for almost 60 hours, things didn't progress properly, there were complications, I finally had an emergency c section. Baby was born on Star Wars day ?
- recovery has been completely awful for me and once again my boyfriend has decided I'm being dramatic because “(Son) is an easy baby”. This somehow doesn't cure my continued nausea, pain from having my abdomen opened and then stitched shut, rock hard boobs and sleep deprivation but thanks I guess. He changes diapers and holds/plays with baby when he's not working or fucking around on the internet.
So the stuff about my mom:
Shortly after we reconciled, he and my mom had a disagreement about something. At the time he told me that she was being toxic and trying to meddle in our relationship and that it was better if we ceased communication. He showed me screenshots from his phone that at the time seemed fairly convincing. My mom isn't crazy about him anyway, and she'd made no secret about that when we were separated, so even though I was surprised by the things “she” was saying I did believe him (and stupidly felt like it was the right thing to do to make things work with him).
It bothered me that he was constantly asking me if I had been talking to her and that he was paranoid about it but I was like well, what she said was really hurtful (basically that he was abusing me but that I was too stupid to see it and that she was going to come take our baby away so he wouldn't be raised by him), so I understand.
A couple of days ago I overheard him talking about me on a discord voice chat, basically complaining that I was being lazy and useless since I gave birth and that it was my “job” so I needed to suck it up and do it. I didn't let him know that I had overheard, but I was upset. Later on we were in the bedroom and the baby was losing his mind and I was having trouble getting him to latch and I was in so much pain and I just started crying and saying I wanted my mom. He snapped at me that my mom had filled my head with feminist garbage my whole life and that was why I was weak and couldn't handle something women had been doing for thousands of years. I was kind of floored. I'd never heard him say anything like that before. I told him he needed to leave and go sleep elsewhere because I was really hurt.
When he went to work the next morning I decided to call my mom and to see what the hell he has been doing on the internet, because I felt like that was the logical step to take.
I was not that surprised to find that he'd been on men's rights type websites (if you agree with that fine whatever) and was using them to express his frustration that although he'd thought he'd found an ideal young partner who would have babies and turn into an ideal housewife (which was so weird to read because I feel like I'm the furthest thing from some housewife type and I'm not shy about that, I guess my mom has been filling my head with feminist garbage my whole life after all ?. When we first met it seemed like we had lots of shared interests and ideas and he enjoyed my independence), but that pregnancy had made me gross and useless and then giving birth made me even worse, saying the only good thing about me was that I had a boy my first go.
I was pretty surprised however to learn that the original conversation he and my mom had was about his attitude toward me but had nothing to do with him being abusive and she never threatened to take the baby, she just suggested to him that if he really loved me he would support me and be there for me. He told HER she'd never speak to me again and that she'd never meet her grandchild. She forwarded me the conversations.
I'm not wrong in thinking this is all totally fucked up, right? There's absolutely no saving a relationship like this? I know it seems pretty cut and dry when it's all laid out but like…I just need someone to give me some advice on what to do, where to go from here?