Relazioni e amore

My teacher (39M) said he loves me (18F)

a_wolfspider ci racconta la sua esperienza:

Throughout my high school years, I’ve gotten close to this teacher. For the first few months of being in the school, I talked to him a lot in his office, sometimes during break too because I came in late in the school year and I’ve had some problems in my previous school. The school doesn’t have a counselor and the teacher-student dynamic there is super friendly so it was not weird at all as he was also acting as the counselor in the school. Then at times, we would talk late at night via text, it was never sexual — mostly it was me venting about stuff. I started to bond with him and sometimes he would talk to me about his problems too. We became so close that we would give eachother nicknames. I’ve fallen in love with him and I feel like he feels the same way. Some people reading this might say it’s not love I’m feeling since I’m just a teenager but I’ve never been the type to throw the word love around easily and date boys for the sake of dating so I know what I feel.

Although I never really get uncomfortable, I decided to distance myself from him because at that point if someone knew, we both could get in trouble. He had no problem with this and we just get on our way.

Some time past, we didn’t really text anymore but at school, we would be playful with eachother but that’s about it.

A few days ago, I got really drunk and I drunk texted him. At first it was nothing but then he kept saying stuff like “usually people drunk text because they want to say something but not brave enough to say it while sober”, basically hinting that I should confess to him that I love him, so I did it. He said he feels the same way towards me. We text from 1am to 5am non stop and we kept texting for the next few days. He said that we can’t really do anything right now but I’ll be graduating in July and he would like to ask me out then, just to hangout and see where this would go.

He was married 2 times before, the first wife was abusive and the second one cheated on him so he told me multiple times before that he has no intention in getting married again but he told me that if I still want this with him after I graduated from university, that he would actually consider marrying me. This means a lot to me, the fact that his past has not been kind to him but he chose to trust me.

On one side, sometimes I still wonder like is he been grooming me? or does he have an ulterior motive with this? but on the other side, I’ve been looking online for signs of grooming and nothing that he has done is on the list. He’s nothing but patient and kind with me, and sometimes I would be on the edge about this, he never pressured me, instead he’s the one that made me take a step back and reevaluate if I truly want this. Should I continue talking to him and see where this goes after I finished uni or is it not worth it and too shady to pursue at all?

TL;DR I drunk texted my teacher, saying that I love him and he said he feels the same way, even went as far as saying he could see himself marrying me. Nothing that he has done struck me as a pedophile or a groomer but I could be wrong. Is this real, should I see where this would go after I finished uni or is this too shady?

As another teacher, please save the texts, and report this guy to the school board. He’s got NO business being a teacher.

Even if you’re 18 and no longer one of his students, this is just wrong.

Run girl run. There are likely other girls he has done this too as well.
I am sure his two ex wives have a different story to tell on how their marriages ended.
There is something very wrong with a man or woman wanting a relationship with a teenager when they are nearly 40.
You need to block him, and you need to report him.

He’s definitely shady. He may think he has the purest motives and most sincere affection, but hell, I’m 40, and I think 18 year olds are children. Heck, back in my late 20’s I remember thinking college kids seemed so young now. There is something wrong with him.

This relationship is going nowhere. He’s not going to marry you, you’ll just waste the years where you should be learning and growing focused on him. You’ll eventually outgrow him, since to be interested in a high school student he has to be emotionally stunted, and end up breaking up. Then you’ll be annoyed to be in your early twenties with no experience dating your peers. Save yourself the trouble and cut him off.

I was a teenage girl who dated a couple of much older guys, and I also had a teacher take way too much interest in me when I was still in school. I can tell you right now, all of the things he’s said come straight out of the creepy older man playbook.

Here’s my experience with creepy predatory mens’ playbook, distilled into a few steps:

  1. Make it clear to the target that you’re not interested in a relationship. Repeat this often, to make the subject feel at ease.
  2. Make sure the target would feel guilty for turning you in and feel like they ruined your life (rather than you ruining your own life by knowingly grooming a minor.) The secrecy will have the added element of excitement for some targets, and make them feel like you’re star-crossed lovers.
  3. Make up or exaggerate a tragic backstory, either some sort of trauma or being treated badly by past partners. This helps support the “not interested in a relationship” story, and also makes the target feel super special when they turn out to be the “magic exception.”
  4. Be extremely emotionally available to the target. Listen to all of their problems, reply to all of their texts, share problems of your own, form as much emotional attachment as possible.
  5. When you’re sure the target is emotionally attached, act like you’re shocked and flabbergasted at the fact that you’ve “fallen hard” for the target, and maybe even act like you wish you hadn’t and “beat yourself up” about it.
  6. Say lots of things like “I can’t/shouldn’t do this, it’s wrong” but in effect do nothing to stop contact.
  7. Make some kind of romantic overture such as declaring that you had given up on love forever, but the target is so special/different/mature/amazing that you are willing to give love a shot.
  8. Act like you are willing to wait a long time to be with them, because it implies commitment without actually being a commitment. This is often the last step that allows a minor to give trust to an adult.

You shouldn’t beat yourself up for this. He crossed several boundaries that don’t seem like a big deal on their own, but when you add them up it totals a lot of wrong. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it. When you’ve had some time and distance from this situation, you will see it much clearer than you do now.

Yeah he’s a predator. Straight up.

And his previous marriages? He’s lying. They ended because he likely acted inappropriately with other teenage girls.