My fiance (35M) “Jack” and I (28F) are normal-ish people with normal-ish lives who are both good, decent, polite, and have a pretty classic vanilla white people future ahead of ourselves which all the haters be damned I am pleased about (call me a basic bitch, I don't care).
We have been together for 4 years, engaged 3 mo, and are/were planning on getting married in August.
Well, I am today in a situation I have never thought I would be in. For the 4 years and various states of emotionalness for our relationship, we have never been so angry that we have slept in separate beds. I have now been in the guest bed for two nights with no end in sight. And so soon before our marriage that it's stressing me out. My questions: Are all men this bitchy? Is this normal husband behavior I have to put up with once a decade? Is once in a decade assholery actually pretty good odds? Or…. what? Split? Demand an apology? “Punish” him? Therapy?
This weekend I was very excited about and had planned a three day weekend to go down to the ocean (2hr away) take our boat out on the water and camp on the inlet with our dogs. Nice. I was very excited. I also wanted to go to a new brewery that is offering pick-up beer and take a hike and buy some windows from a garage sale for my greenhouse. We haven't done anything in months. He agreed, excited even. I was pleased.
Morning of, he woke up on the “wrong side of the bed.” This doesn't happen often.
I asked where our sleeping bags were and he bitched bitched bitched about all of our stuff being “unorganized” (we are in the middle of moving and building a house). I said I know, babe, its frustrating, but I will get the sleeping bags together. He bitched about gas money to drive down there (I offered to pay). He bitched about what I was wearing (VERY out of character, he usually doesn't give two fucks what I wear). I said I had other clothes for the boat. He bitched about the dogs (I took them out for a walk). I told him to stay home if he could not be positive and he said he wanted to come. He then decides not to bring the boat b/c high winds and “because I said so.” I took it in stride. On the drive, he bitched because I forgot my wallet. Apparently I “always do stuff like this,” (but we always let money just be free form?). Generally crabby, you get the picture. He is also rather a silent man so I was putting up with general silent fuming when I wanted to be drinking mimosas and driving to the beach with the windows down. Ugh.
We pass the garage sale, and I get a sarcastic “did you want to go to that?!” He turns around. I'm crying by this point. I said I wanted to go in but I needed a minute to fucking collect myself. I get windows, he waits in the truck. I am gentle I am patient, I ask what is wrong, I tell him that I will not be treated this way and he may not take his personal problem out on me just because I am here. He bitterly apologizes after I demand an apology. We are silent for the 2-hour drive. He's hungry. He silent he's passive-aggressive. We run errands and it sucks. I tell him to drop me off at the pier and “when he's ready to see me, give me a call. I will be walking with one of our dogs.” Dog and I have a fabulous 1.5-hour walk along the pier looking at boats.
Later, he calls me (as I'm walking) asking if I want dinner. The moment that I approach the truck I can see he is still fuming. He tells me that 1. we are getting pizza and 2. after we are driving home. No camping. No hike. No brewery. His rules. I am gentle and I ask if his mind is made up or if he would consider staying and salvaging the weekend. I express that I don't want to stay if he is not feeling as though it would be fun but that I would like to stay. He does not answer me. I cry again. I don't feel good about crying but I cannot hold it in. I ask him if he called the pizza place for the pick-up. He said no. I said, calmly, it is pick-up only. He demands, “well, why haven't you called them then.” I call. He says he couldn't care less what I order. On and on and on. Eventually, I snap. I tell him he ruined my day. I'm hysterical. I say he is being a dill-hole and a total dick to me and this is the top 3 worst days of our relationship. I tell him he has deeply hurt my feelings and I am so hurt I do not know what or how to fix this. I say Fuck this I WANT TO GO HOME. He will not say one word and silently drives to the campsite. I ask what is going on he responds with “well, this is what you wanted.” I lose my ever-loving mind. I tell him I want to be nowhere near him. We drive in absolute silence the entire 2 hours home and I move my things into the guest room.
It's two days later. He's avoiding me while also sending me texts like “how are you doing today?” “what are you doing” and saying “good morning.” Classic dodging the apology. Like does he think I'll FORGET about this? Its honestly so representative of our relationship and yet so out of character. LIKE WHAT. He is a silent person so he is justifying his lack of communication and effort with the fact that he is an introvert. Where do I go from here? I am currently holding out for the holy grail of apologies. Or are there bigger fish to fry in the long scheme of marriage?
Do men just get grumpy like this? I read on a psych article (lol) that you have to do your best not to let your partner's bad attitude rub off on you. But I TREID. I gave so many chances. What do I do? What kind of apology does this warrant? How hard should I be on him?
EDIT: I did ask him what was wrong. Way back on the drive down. He did look apologetic for a brief 2 seconds and said he is just really stressed about our lack of organization. We are “waiting” for everything. House. Marriage. COVID. We woke up and our room admittedly is a HUGE mess. We are staying in a temp cabin while our house is being built (and COVID timeline changes) and we have a storage unit that is a mess. We also were going to camp with this trailer of his that has 100 disorganized things in it, until that plan was bagged. Also, I left my wallet in the storage unit. The boat tags were expired. I understand the frustration, but he could not move past it.