Had a cup of coffee in grad school; several of my friends and family became PhD cautionary tales…
…not one of them ever exhibited the straight-up self-absorption and brattiness that this guy seems to feel is his right. They would even check in on me to see how I was doing, and make an effort to come see me sometimes! This was while some of them were building healthy marriages and raising children. And none of them were in anything but gruelling death march programs. I would ask about their daily transit sobbing sessions, and they’d ask if I remembered to shower. Friends, helping friends…
You can’t do this for a lifetime. They call it a partner ‘cause they’re supposed to supply some kind of aid and actually be useful. What kind of a father is this guy going to be? What if, someday, your mom gets sick and you have two grade schoolers and a dog? Would he help, or sit on the couch and whine you didn’t leave him enough money for tapas every day?
Anyway, you seem rad. Good luck in a really miserable situation.
Absolutely end the relationship.
Your partner will never change because he doesn’t need to.
You showed that you won’t put him in his place and will tolerate his shit why would he change? After the PhD he’ll have to find a job and that isn’t an area where you walk right into something. So he will continue to be useless and depressed and entitled, and it’s your fault for not saying no when this started.
This isn’t about his PhD, it’s about him taking you for granted and you ahve no obligation to mother him.
Sit him down NOW and tell him you want changes or you’re out. Simple as.
The short and simple: what does he contribute? What does he contribute to your lives, to your relationship? It’s not enough to rely on love, rely on past connection, one can’t simple idle through a relationship and expect that to work. It obviously isn’t. A relationship requires input from both sides, one person alone can’t carry the load. And this isn’t just about financials, but coming back to money – even if he gets a well paying job, what’s different? He earns more. That’s it. Doesn’t mean he contributes more in all the other ways which matter. That part won’t change.
My main takeaway from all this is that you are an intelligent, hard-working, independet woman with your own quirks and flavor whilst singlehandely carrying this relationship – emotionally, financially whilst also doing all the chores. The money issue and his lack of selfcare non-withstanding it does not seem that he brings anything to the table other than fading looks?
I have had to many friends stick around their partners waiting fo them to pass an obstacle and when they do the situation never improves. There is always a new thing that makes put their life/happiness on hold and if they could just pass that exam, get through that internship, get married, pregnant, go back to work it will all work out. Has it occurred to you that this person is always this stressed even if it wasn’t for the PhD? Maybe this is his baseline?
Blanket hogs deserve love too though.