It sounds like you have already realised for yourself what needs to happen here and are waiting for someone to give you a good enough reason not to.
If he has become accustomed to being entirely dependant on you (financially, but also in every other adult aspect of his life), then this isn’t going to just change when he finishes his phd.
You sound smart and successful, and definitely deserve much better treatment than this “man” (more like a child to me). You need a man you can rely on too! Not just one you have to mother.
Firstly I feel like you and I should become best friends – you’re writing style is both hilarious and relatable.
He seems both stressed and very comfortable with the current situation. So I’m not sure I would lead in with all of the criticisms you’ve lead in with here (although they are valid!). Otherwise he will feel attacked and either lash out verbally about how stressed he is or retreat.
He does not have a monopoly on stress. I repeat he does not have a monopoly on stress and that is something I would say to him whenever he dismisses your needs or support.
I’d also stop cooking dinner for him every night or meal prepping for him. He doesn’t eat ….Okay he is a grown adult man obviously capable to sort something out. I’d directly ask him to sort dinner at least 3 days a week – that means he cooks or even at a pinch you cook together. If he criticises your dish – unless it’s constructive and relevant – you made it better last time is neither of those things.
I would also give direct instructions on hey can you put a load of washing on and hang it out? You shouldn’t have to and he should do it on his own – but I think it’s maybe unrealistic for him to go from 0 to 100 overnight.
Not sure what to say about the appearance thing other than ensuring he gets out of the house for exercise and not glued to the computer studying. You may need to suggest hikes or bike rides etc. It sucks being the partner having to pick up the slack all the time and some things def need to change.
Also – are you happy? If some of these things change how would you feel? Is his behaviour a recent thing that has increased over time? Or has it always been this way? You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and have your sh*t together so keep up with that
I was in a similar situation to you and leaving was the best thing I ever did – it allowed me to meet my now husband. Say you stick around until his PHD ends – what will happen next time you go through a difficult situation? Life is full of ups and downs, do you want a partner who can take half the burden or just carry him all of your life?
Sounds like you’ve already made your mind I and are just looking for some validation.