The lack of pitching in because of the PHD time crunch could be understandable.
Gratitude doesn’t cost anything, though. Every time he’s complained about the way you handle your money while being terrible in his spending, the way you handle the dinners he refuses to make, your family, your friends, every inch of criticism he’s levelled at you could very easily have been compliments and gushing gratitude instead.
He should be kissing your feet, and instead he’s kicking you in the face. Totally not acceptable. It’s up to you if you want to give the relationship until December, but he needs to be told that his behavior isn’t acceptable (and where your head is at with considering canning the relationship altogether) now.
Complete side note. You made a throw away because your BF follows your real account, which I assume means he also frequents MassimoL. Based on the specific details of your post wouldn’t he know it’s about him anyway?
Now back to the topic at hand…dump him lol
If you don’t want to be with this person just end it. There’s absolutely no reason to continue supporting him. His future is his problem, not yours. You’re not married and you don’t owe him anything in terms of support.
Otherwise make him go to couples counseling with you and work through everything you listed. A lot of this sounds like good stuff to work through if you do want to stay with him.
Two years ago, my SO and I were both doing our masters. Things were really tough in our relationship because he had an absolutely shitty experience. Terrible advisor, stressed every day, thought they were gonna kick him out, and more. It was hard on us. I was making 4x what he did and trying to keep us together – he was trying too, but the issues spilled over.
Here are the things he didn’t do, that your partner is doing:
- criticize my purchases
- buy tons of stuff
- refuse to help with the cooking and cleaning
- let himself go
- criticize me
- shut me down
- be selfish in bed
- and more.
These things don’t happen in our relationship. I’m in the late stages of a PhD right now, and I don’t do these things to my SO. So those are not necessary requirements for being a PhD student.
It is a really hard, depressing, isolating, and stressful experience. However, I think you’re right to wonder which of these behaviours are his personality and which will go away. Under the facade of his best behaviour when you met and started dating, this seems to be who he is when the stress kicks in.
I feel for both of you, because academia does bad things to people. But it’s not solely responsible for his actions. He can push back more than he thinks he can, especially if he saw the toll this is taking on you.
I don’t really have advice that these others can’t cover. You’re writing style was delightful – thanks for that.