Relazioni e amore

Possibly ending my marriage of 22 years

You can still be a family man after a divorce if you’re still there for your family.

I think it would be valuable to discuss this with your wife in the most loving way you can. You want her to be happy and you want to be happy and you want your kids to be happy. You aren’t looking for someone else, she IS enough for you when she is in it, but you both just aren’t in it anymore. You want to feel loved and connected and you understand that it might just not be where she is right now or what makes her feel close to you. She is a great friend to you and you like your partnership in life, but you are hurting because you need the romance and connection that comes from shared passion for each other. Don’t make it about sex, Tell her you want to go to counseling because you want to do right by her and your kids and make the right path forward together, even if that’s to split. So maybe that’s counseling through an amicable divorce. Maybe it’s trying to rekindle things. I think a lot depends on your wife, but if she knows you aren’t rejecting her as a woman, you aren’t cheating, you aren’t going to embarrass her, you respect her and speak highly of her, I think your chances of coming out of it with your family intact even if you’re in separate homes is the best for everyone in this situation.

It sounds like your relationship has complete lost all intimacy. The infrequent sex being much less of an issue than the complete lack of emotional intimacy. A big question is what were those problems long ago that you two gave up on trying to fix? Because when you give up on trying to fix problems, you give up on the relationship.

Now, I will say that I know parents who have had amicable divorces and friendly co-parenting. You two certainly might be able to pull that off, and if so, that’d be really good. I think it’s okay for kids so long as parents aren’t being mean to each other (or worse, using the kids as weapons against each other). My friends whose parents divorced amicably seem to have done fine. And there is something to be said for not letting your kids grow up thinking your marriage is a good example of what a relationship should be.

So, you could divorce. You could try couple’s counseling. You could try really thinking about the problems that got you here and what solutions to them might look like and if that is possible.

I got divorced after 22 years. My youngest however was 18 and graduated high school just before. We were financially not anywhere near retirement if fact we were broke for most of our time together. We had a 4 year old car that we still owed on and in the same rental for 7 years. The rest of your story…. you could be telling mine. I had all the same hopes as you in what us separated would look like. She did NOT want a divorce but was being amicable, I feel because she thought I’d eventually change my mind. Unfortunately for her I met someone within weeks of us moving out. It’s been 4 years and it’s only now that she’s starting to accept what her future is in regards to me. Her fathers children. Needless to say she doesn’t like my now wife and would never believe that I didn’t have something with her before we actually decided to separate. I have no reason to lie, but she’ll never believe it. If you plan to stay single or at least be very discrete about dating for a while, I see your peaceful amicable break turning out just like mine.

However, I am now married to the live of my life. We have sex regularly even after the honeymoon phase settled. She makes me laugh a LOT. She gets my jokes. She’ll let me express my feelings and understands where I’m coming from. We both consider what the other wants and needs in a relationship. She is accepting of the love that I love to give and loves me how I need to be loved. And sees and appreciates that I do the same for her.

It was hard on my family especially my youngest son who I don’t think was ready to be an adult and was looking for direction in his life and then this… it’s been a struggle to rebuild our relationship. But we needed to build a new father adult son relationship anyway as I did with my oldest over his 1st years of adulthood.

In short I believe your thinking is correct. About 5 years prior I had resigned myself to this marriage. This is all it’ll ever be. Like living with my sister. I love and respect her and only want the best for her. But she didn’t want to have what I wanted to have. I wanted a wife. She wanted a male in her life for stability and to not be alone. My resignation helped our marriage on paper. We no longer fought. Our house was at peace, but my mind was like yours. Always wondering what could be. I’m here to tell you you can have it. But now that you have spent years thinking about what you want, don’t settle for anything less.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Getting in shape or putting distance between you two? How can you love someone if you dont know what life is like without them or never miss them? Though this may be hard to explain to someone you’ve been with for 20+ years.