I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost two years now. She’s a nice girl. She’s lovely, a good person, fun and we share so many interests. We’ve also spent the last 8 months practically living together. Things are good, but…
Most of her family is dead and she almost has no friends. She had more friends but I think she slowly kind of obsessed with me and stopped talking to them?
She also has serious anxiety and depression, which makes everything so. hard.
She was fired from her previous job because she just didn’t meet the expectations (no surprise since she didn’t work at all). I work as a freelancer and my current client needed to hire someone else, so I got her in. And she’s doing nothing again. If it wasn’t because she can only charge for actual work (that’s how freelancing works), she would’ve been fire from this job a long time ago.
She’s so fucking insecure. It’s annoying. I have to do everything with her because her. It even holds me back. I usually stop myself from doing things because I’d like to do them alone and I’d rather not do them at all. Not even serious things, I’m talking playing videogames, starting hobby projects, going out with my friends, whatever.
So these are the biggest issues. I’m practically all she has, she has crippling anxiety/depression, wouldn’t be able to make a living by herself right now.
And I’m trapped. I’m sad. I feel sad as I write this. I feel like shit. She’s nice, I just need space and I swear I asked her for space so many times.
TL;DR: gf is emotionally and financially dependent of me, I’m suffocating, can’t leave and feel trapped
It sounds like classic codependency. You have to do what’s healthy for you, which is very plainly ending this relationship.
Just a reminder: you can never take on someone else’s wellbeing as your personal responsibility and you definitely can’t and shouldn’t when it effects your own so much.
It sucks that she doesn’t have anyone else, but you need to be able to have time apart and space. If you don’t live together I’d encourage you to tell her you’re going to be taking more space. You shouldn’t need to ask or get her permission. Just tell her you have been neglecting your friendships and your own health for a long time because you felt like she needed you, tell her that’s not sustainable anymore and you’ve reached your breaking point. If she wants to keep dating you and for things to work and be healthy then you’ll need more time alone/with friends. And then take that time. Don’t invite her to do things with you. Make plans with other people. Spend the evening playing video games and ban her from hanging around you. If she refuses then end it. She needs to sort her own stuff out. You’re not her parent, you’re a partner. You’re not meant to take care of her when she won’t take care of herself. On top of that explain to her how embarrassing and bad it looks when you recommend her for a job and she doesn’t do the work. Ask her why she hasn’t and if it’s because of her depression tell her she needs to get professional help if it’s preventing her from functioning day to day like that. You can’t financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually completely support another person. Not possible.
Just give her an ultimatum, she either gets treatment and doesn’t rely on you for every bit of social interaction and gives you the space you need or you have to leave. There’s not really much here if you’re that desperate to go, but it really does seem to be a solvable problem if you both wanted it to be.
I had to break up with a partner for this exact reason. They did get treatment and we’re close friends now, but they wouldn’t have ever gotten better in our relationship as it was.
She’ll be fine. I worried my ex-wife would fall apart without me doing everything, when we were together even booking a restaurant for dinner was too much for her. She’d find places on the internet she wanted to go to but then get me to make the reservation because she was too insecure to pick up the phone. She was also financially dependent on me, with no idea where the money came from and just spent without a care in the world.
But guess what? Without me to do everything for her she has suddenly overcome all these issues and is doing fine.
Heres the thing with anxiety and depression, she really isn’t trying to “not work” or “annoy” you with her insecurities. It’s like she can’t help it. However, you are not obligated to stay just because she has a disability. As such, whether you leave her or not, and if you still care a little, help her find professional help. Whether that means psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, medications, etc. She clearly needs some intervention as her internal issues are stopping her from living a normal life.