Relazioni e amore

My (22F) boyfriend (24M) cheated on me whilst high on acid because he thought it was me.

AurelioRis ci racconta la sua esperienza amorosa:

My partner (24M) and I (22F) joined our friends on a trip to a beach to try acid for the first time. There were only 5 of us, two boys and three girls (two couples, one extra girl). We took acid while there was still sunlight because apparently it takes ages to take effect, and we spent this time drinking beer near our tents with a campfire going on. Mind you, as we were descending into tripping balls on acid, we were also getting quite drunk. I'm very lightweight so I didn't have much to drink; my partner on the other hand had plenty. When it started to kick, it was fun. It was funny. I felt like the sand was grassy and I kept hearing Billie Eilish singing to my ear when really it was the wind blowing so hard it was whistling. This is where it goes downhill. Maybe like 4-5 hours later, I decided to go on a walk and had two friends join me because I couldn't go to sleep. My partner wanted to stay in our tent because he wasn't feeling well, so I said sure. Our other male friend who was coming to walk with me told his girlfriend to stay with my bf so that she could look after him, in case anything goes wrong. We thought all was well, until we got back. When we returned, first thing I heard was just obnoxious moaning and breathing. Me and the others panicked so we immediately went into my bf's tent and lo and behold. Both naked, someone's gf on top of my bf. I ended up vomiting and passing out on the shore, but I heard a lot of yelling and crying. I woke up being in my tent and saw my bf sleeping next to me. Honestly, I had to really think whether I hallucinated him cheating or that it really happened.

Our other friend's girlfriend had apparently left during the night without letting any of us know, so there were only 4 of us. My partner's excuse was that he genuinely thought that the girl was me. The smell, the eyes, the hair, etc. When I realised it was all real, I just cried and had been crying since. I've never felt so broken, betrayed, confused, and hurt at the same time. I want to make excuses for him and think maybe it was just a mistake, but he full on cheated. Four years down the drain, just like that. I'd been staying at my sister's since we got back, but he hasn't stopped texting/calling me to apologise and say that he's disgusted of himself and that he genuinely thought it was me. I haven't spoken to him since, but I'm so tempted to. I miss him but I'm just so hurt. I'm so confused. Should I break up with him for it?

EDIT: He'd been planning to propose to me for a month. He apparently made a custom order for an engagement ring to suit what I specifically liked. Told him that he can forget about proposing, as he'd fucked up big time. For context, the night it happened he said that it was so dark in the tent he could barely see anything and that the only light source was the campfire behind the tent. He wasn't wrong in that part, but surely you could feel and hear the difference? The girl had a deeper voice than I did and smelt entirely different from me (we have different perfumes), and she was blonde. I dyed my hair straight ginger. Dropping the proposal bomb on me just left me all the more confused and torn. How am I supposed to break up with him when he had been planning this all along? I feel like the asshole now even when I know I'm not. He knows I'd been waiting for him to propose for over a year now.

UPDATE: I've read all the comments, I am so thankful for everyone's time. I posted this because I honestly don't know what it's like for everyone else to be on acid, and whether it's even possible to confuse someone for someone else because it didn't happen to me. I understand now that he couldn't have possibly confused me with her, but I've seen some comments where he might've been passed out and woken up with the girl straddling him and he just naturally thought it was me (being drunk, high, and in a pitch-black setting) which ultimately is r*pe/sexual assault. I've decided to meet up with him to ask exactly what happened. How it happened. I'll update y'all again tomorrow night. Thank you so so much for all your advice. You've given me more clarity than anything else.

If he was staying back in the tent because he was so drunk and high and sick, are we sure that girl didn’t assault him? Especially since she bolted afterwards and hasn’t spoken to anyone since? It kind of sounds like he might not have been able to consent. He might have been SA’d.

Idk OP, I can’t comment on LSD, but alcohol will absolutely fuck some people up badly enough that he could have blacked out completely at some point.

I’d argue with the info you have here:

  • your BF mixed substances, and he obviously didn’t tolerate that well.

  • he was sick from the intolerance, so much so, that he couldn’t leave his tent.

  • the other girl was obviously well enough to be entrusted in babysitting your boyfriend.

  • the other girl was obviously well enough to enter his tent.

  • the other girl was well enough to take off and run from the tent.

  • the other girl was able to leave the beach before anyone found out.

  • the other girl is now MIA, and you can’t get ahold of her to get clarity.

  • your BF, on the other hand, sounds like he was very, very serious about this relationship (he was even making a very personal and thoughtful custom ring to propose with).

  • your BF has been desperately calling and texting and trying to reach you and he keeps apologising.

I’m not saying stay or go back to the relationship, but it sounds like your BF was raped. He was too out of it to consent, and that’s kind of the thing that needs to be discussed with him. If anything, I’d say don’t do party nights for awhile, get some space and therapy for this. If you decide to go back, you need to be 1000% that you can trust him, and vice-versa. He may be feeling very abandoned right now, too. Couples therapy may be the way to get back to that trust, or it may just be time to cut ties and have some space. It’s really up to you.

Let me get this straight he was hammered and on drugs and went to your/his tent because he wasn’t feeling well probably to pass out. Some girl was asked to keep an eye on him she crawled into the tent and started doing stuff to him? Some of these comments are a bit off I can guarantee if it was a super drunk/high woman in her tent and some guy crawled into it the conversation would be super different!

Let me get this straight:

Boyfriend is zonked out of his mind on alcohol and acid (which you can testify to), goes into the tent to pass out because he’s feeling sick and out of it (which you can corroborate). You then leave moments later but before you do you appoint some girl (I’m assuming you don’t know very well) to look after your very vulnerable partner.

You come back later to find out that this random girl has crawled into your very vulnerable partner’s tent and is having sexual relations with him. No history of prior cheating scandals, or any history with the girl in question. You’re not even sure if what you saw with your own eyes is true but you’re sure that your partner’s senses were intact?

Put yourself in his shoes, if this were you or your girlfriends, what would be your reaction? (I’m pretty sure there’s a boating TV show where someone got kicked off for doing the same thing that girl did).

Here’s what I think: I don’t envy your position. You’re stuck between deciding if your partner was assaulted or cheated and it boils down to how much you trust your partner. In my experience, sometimes the most implausible answer really is the truth.

However, if you can’t trust him then let him go but you must learn some valuable lessons.

You: NEVER, EVER leave your partner/friend/family who is in a vulnerable position alone or in someone else’s care. Especially if you don’t know that person well enough and sometimes even if. No matter how trustworthy you think they are, it just never ends well. They are your responsibility at that moment and vice versa.

Your boyfriend: Needs to know his limits. In the context of what may have happened, this might sound victim-blamey but nevertheless, his ultimate responsibility is to himself. Especially since the people he trusted to look after him in his vulnerable state, either left him or took advantage of him.

You’re not wrong for how you feel. It’s a shitty situation but I trust you to make the best decision for you. Learn your lessons for the future and good-luck to you both.

Very possible, even likely, that your boyfriend was sexually assaulted. He’s drunk, tripping, sick (that’s probably dehydration on top of everything else), and alone in a dark tent. One of these things would make him vulnerable and at this point he was all four. At the same time this other girl was at least cognizant enough to (presumably safely) zoom out of there.

Pretty disturbed by some of the other comments on here, but they have driven me to finally commit the faux pas that I have rolled my eyes at so many times in the past and ask: what would you think if the genders were reversed?

So – obviously he could be lying and all of that. Very real possibility that I’m not dismissing whatsoever.

It also sounds possible that he could have been sexually assaulted. Obviously psychedelics don’t make you confuse people like that. If he was super super drunk (or maybe given something else?), too, though – could he genuinely have been so fucked up that he didn’t know what was happening or who was touching him? Could the mixed substances have interacted with some medication he takes or even just his brain chemistry? You say he wasn’t feeling well and drank a significant amount.

It sounds very possible to me that this was not a consensual experience. Obviously we don’t know, but I wouldn’t immediately assume he’s lying here. I see a very likely scenario where he was sick and blacked out and taken advantage of. This whole experience could have been really traumatizing for him and you definitely don’t want to immediately assume he was being an asshole if there’s a chance that is what happened.

So, was he hammered drunk? If so how could he consent?

What I find irrational about this whole comment section is that we all know a girl who is very drunk cannot give consent. It’s the same for guys, or we’re all incredibly sexist.

He was very drunk on top of having consumed heavier drugs. He was in his tent. The other person was drunk too. Why is it so unlikely that he’s telling the truth?

What would you all say if the roles were reversed here?