Relazioni e amore

Should I tell my bf’s other woman’s live in partner/bf that she cheated on him?

MindfulDestruction ci racconta la sua esperienza:

I'm on mobile, I'm sorry with how I type.

I don't know how to rephrase the title but basically, I (23f) found out my bf (25m) cheated on me for 4 months. I found out about his affair October last year. I saw their messages. The girl was a mutual friend of ours. She's 24, with a baby who just turned 1 year old last October as well and is in a relationship with the father for 8 years now. When I found out about it, we had a very brief exchange of words, with her apologizing and hoping that me and my bf will still be ok. Then that was it.

I gave my bf a chance, everything got “better”. There are days that i remember everything and i break down. I still ask myself why i deserved that. Then it bugs me how that girl just, got away with it. How I'm still suffering everyday questioning my worth and she just said sorry and that's it. A part of me really wants to tell her boyfriend/live in partner cause I think I might get the peace I want plus I think he deserves to know what happened.

Should I tell him? How?

Tldr: bf cheated on me few months back, were ok now but i have this urge to tell the other woman's bf about what happened

Dont expect telling him will make you feel better, that’s not the right reason to tell someone. You tell someone because they deserve to know their partner betrayed their trust.

Telling the partner will not give you peace. Closure comes from within.

I strongly believe everyone has a right to know if they’ve been cheated on, but don’t expect anything out of it for yourself here. Tell him because you WANT to tell him, not because you think it’ll help you

Your reasons to tell him are not good reasons to tell him. You should consider telling him because he deserves to know who he’s building a life with and that he should get an STD test (you should too) for safety. However, if you’re expecting telling him to make you feel better I doubt that will be the case. Chances are it’ll actually make you feel worst because it’ll feel like you (not your bf and the girl) threw a wrench in their happy little family.

Edit: Are you still with your boyfriend ? If so, end things with him.

yeah do it. he’s sitting there completely ignorant to everything she’s done, and if she’s not hooking up with your bf anymore she’s probably got her sights on someone else. he definitely deserves to know.

I think your anger is misplaced. It’s not that she got away with it. It’s that your boyfriend got away with it. He broke your trust. He lied to you. He disrespected you. He covered it up until you discovered it. If you hadn’t have found out, you would probably still not know.

This is why you still hurt. Despite all this that he did to you, you chose to give him a second chance. Now he is proceeding happily in his life with you, without any real consequences. He’s probably super relieved that you let it go and you guys don’t have to talk about it any more. But it doesn’t erase what he did to you. Subconsciously you know this, but you don’t want to attach these feelings to him so you’re putting it on her instead. But if you’re going to let him slide, why won’t you let her slide as well? I mean, they both participated equally in the cheating. It’s not like one of them coerced the other at gunpoint, or did some mystical voodoo thing to bring the other under their spell. They both went into it with eyes open and knowing what they were doing would hurt both their partners. You’re so upset that she just said sorry and that’s it, but didn’t your boyfriend pretty much do the same thing? Why do you think different rules apply to him? If you’re going to forgive one, you need to forgive the other.

You can also choose not to forgive either of them. At this point, he’s poisoned the well for you. You can blame her all you like, but he still made the active decision to do what he did. And since he did it once, you’ll always wonder in the back of your mind if he’ll do it again. Who will be the next friend he sets his sights on?

The healthiest thing for you would be to put all of these people in your past and find less morally-challenged people to surround yourself with for the future. If you want to tell the baby’s father, tell him because he should know, not because you want to punish her. Because when you do, you’ll really be condemning that baby’s father to the same suffering and questioning his worth that you’re doing right now. And really, you want to punish someone because you hurt and nobody else does.

Please give a good hard think about what you want out of your life, and what actions you need to take (or not take) to get to that point, before you do anything either way. I wish you good luck.